


Never Stop

by BabyBoomBoom0029



Series: On Your Side: The Chronicles of Danny and Linda Reagan [5]
Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-12 18:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10496634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyBoomBoom0029/pseuds/BabyBoomBoom0029
Summary: Danny Reagan has always been able to protect his family from every threat that has come at them. What happens when the threat comes from inside his own home? Can he save his marriage from falling apart?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read my other stories, you should really read them first to see who the OC's are and know what's going on. :)

Linda Reagan was tired. She didn't remember being this exhausted postpartum with Jack and Sean. She knew it was different with Grace but even that wasn't as tiring as twins. She may have underestimated her ability to handle the house by herself. The twins were just over a month old and Danny had returned to work. Linda had until summer and that was even if she went back to work. They still hadn't really talked about it. The daycare at the hospital was a low-cost since she was a nurse but it was still three kids in daycare and three kids to shuffle around. And quite honestly, Linda didn't think she really  _wanted_ to go back to work. 

Linda looked around the house. She felt like a complete mess. Grace had gotten into her crayons and scribbled all over the kitchen wall while Linda was nursing Sam. Faith wouldn't stop wiggling around, not even to nurse properly. Linda blamed her hyperactivity on Danny. Sam wouldn't get off Linda's chest. He'd nurse then be done. So Linda would take him off and put him down. No sooner did she do that and he'd cry again. She felt like a human pacifier. Grace wanted a grilled cheese for lunch so Linda made her one. Then she refused to eat it because the bread was 'yucky' and screamed when Linda took the 'yucky' sandwich away. She was so ready to be all done today. Linda knew that Grace had toys all over the house. That there were dishes in the sink with grilled cheese crusted on them but right now all three kids were asleep. Grace on the floor after crying from a temper tantrum, Faith in the swing, and Sam on Linda's chest. All Linda wanted was five minutes of quiet. She closed her eyes wishing for five minutes of sleep. Linda's hopes were dashed when Danny and Sean walked in from Sean's football practice Danny had picked him up from on the way home from work.

"Dad! C'mon! It's not  _that_ big of a deal!" Sean yelled.

"It  _is_ a big deal, Sean! How can you be so stupid?!" Danny yelled back, "Go to your room and don't up here until you figure out why that was so incredibly dumb of you!"

All Danny and Sean's yelling woke the twins and Grace up. Grace started yelling for Danny the second she saw him.

"Dada! Dada!" She yelled running up to him with her arms in the air.

"What is going on with you two?" Linda asked as Sam wailed wanting to nurse again. Linda sighed, "You two couldn't have been just a little quieter?"

Danny picked up Grace in his arm, "What's wrong ladybug?" He kissed her cheek.

"Mama, no no!" Grace cried trying to tell her Daddy that her Mommy yelled at her for coloring on the walls.

Danny pressed the button on the swing to entertain an upset Faith, "I'm sorry we woke the kids up. But you'll never believe what I caught Sean with."

Linda sighed, "This is not what I need today."

"Pot! I went to pick him up at practice and saw him standing there with his friends getting their things together. And this one kid, you know that one whose Dad is the assistant coach? Hands our son a joint and offers to light it up. Did Sean say, 'no' or walk away? Nope. He decided that he'd hold it and said 'not now, my Dad's on his way.' So then this kid said 'what about at the party this weekend?' Which I didn't even know was happening this weekend and if he thinks he's still going he's lost his mind." Danny popped open a bottle of beer, "Grace did you do this?" Danny pointed to the coloring on the wall.

"Mama, no no." Grace repeated.

"Danny, he didn't take the joint. And he didn't smoke it. So maybe he was just trying not to look bad in front of his friends." Linda suggested.

"I don't care what he was doing Linda! His answer should have been 'no'. Not letting some kid try and talk him into it!" Danny yelled, "So you're okay with it?!"

"No. But he didn't do anything with it. He just didn't say no." Linda tried to reason with her husband. She didn't like that her son was being offered pot but it wasn't  _that_ alarming. After all, at his age Jack was home from school with a hangover from drinking at a party when he ditched school.

"I'm not going to sit back and let him be  _that_ kid because we were too busy with the other kids!" Danny yelled.

Linda shook her head. No one was in a good mood apparently. She finished nursing Sam and put him asleep in the vibrating bouncy seat, "I'm going upstairs for an hour of alone time. Unless one of the twins needs to eat." Linda sighed. She didn't want to argue with Danny. Not today. She wasn't in the mood for it.

"I just got home from a long day at work and you're going to stick me with the little ones to babysit?!" Danny yelled. He was mad at everything today.

"It's not  _babysitting_ Danny! You're the father!" Linda stomped up the stairs to their bedroom needing to get away from everyone for just a little bit.

* * *

 

Later that night Danny laid the twins down after Linda had nursed them to sleep. Grace was in her toddler bed sound asleep and Sean was still in his room brooding about how much his father overreacted.

Danny walked into the bedroom to see Linda laying down with her back towards him. Lately they'd argued all the time. Over everything. From Danny going back to work to Linda going back, to tiny things like the day Linda yelled at Danny because he'd said he would put gas in the car but clearly didn't. Danny hated arguing with his wife. He hated how they were with each other. But Linda was always so grumpy and short with him. What did she honestly expect?

Danny slid into bed without a word. He sighed when he heard his wife's quiet sniffles, "Hey." He sighed.

"Just leave me alone Danny. I don't have anything to say right now." Linda said.

"Linda. Honey. You know I can't handle you crying. Please tell me what's wrong?" Danny asked.

"Nothing Danny. Just forget it." Linda shook her head.

Danny rolled to face his wife, "Linda just tell me." Danny said.

"Why? So you can get pissed and yell at everyone again. Do you have any idea that all you've been doing lately is yelling at everyone? Today was a ridiculous day with the kids and instead of even asking me how my day was, even after you saw Grace colored on the walls. And after I said the kids didn't nap well. Do you even care that I'm so tired that I swear if we had two boys or two girls I wouldn't be able to tell who was who." Linda groaned.

"Of course I care." Danny put his hand on Linda's shoulder, "I'm sorry we've been at each other lately. I'm sorry. I don't mean to argue with you."

Linda nodded her head, "I'm sorry too." Linda laid on her back, "This is so much harder than the boys. Danny I can't keep doing this every day." Linda started to cry. 

"I'll bang out sick tomorrow at work and help you with the kids so you can get some rest." Danny offered.

"You'd do that for me?" Linda asked with watery eyes.

"I'd do anything for you." Danny kissed her lips, "I'm sorry I upset you earlier. I love you, Linda." Danny ran his fingers through her hair.

"I love you. So much. I'm sorry. I just can't think straight or anything lately. I'm just so tired and I know my hormones are all over the place still. I just want everything to settle down." Linda frowned.

"You carried our babies safely. You made it through a traumatic home birth and came out healthy. You have three kids under two with you all day and I can only imagine how hard that is for you." Danny said softly, "I think we both need some time to settle into this. We've had a lot going on lately. But please don't ever feel that I don't are about you Linda. I know I'm an ass sometimes. Probably more than you deserve. And I'm sorry. You don't deserve to listen to me a jerk."

"If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive. In many situations we've made it through." Linda kissed her husband, "And I'm not perfect either. I just need some sleep I think."

Danny held Linda tight, "You sleep. I'll take care of the kids and just bring you the babies when they need to eat. I'll take care of getting them and putting them back to sleep though." Danny offered.

Linda nodded her head. She laid it on Danny's chest and closed her eyes hoping sleep would come soon. She just wanted things to calm down. All this stress and fighting with Danny wasn't how she imagined the first few months with the twins.


	2. Chapter 2

The following morning Danny and Linda were sitting on the couch while Grace played. The twins were taking a morning nap. Linda, though had been up to nurse throughout the night, was able to sleep in a bit in the morning. Danny wasn't working an active case so he was able to stay home for the day.

"Maybe going back to work will help you with everything. Give you some time off from the kids." Danny suggested.

"I don't think I want to go back to work if I don't have to. I will but if we can figure out a way for me to stay home I'd much rather that. The kids are a lot of work but I stayed home with Jack and Sean. And I miss Grace when she's in daycare." Linda said.

"But Grace loves daycare. She's learning so much and it's right upstairs from work for you." Danny said.

"So what happens when it's a night shift for me and you? The kids sleep there? We had to do it with Grace but leaving three there and two being newborns?" Linda frowned, "I don't like that Danny."

"Honey I don't think we can swing it on just my salary." Danny felt guilty that he wasn't able to support a family of seven on his job alone.

"Can we at least look at the bills and see what we can do? Maybe I'll just go back part time?" Linda suggested.

"Or as much as you love the ER see if you can get something in the outpatient clinic so you'll have set hours we can work around?" Danny said.

Linda nodded her head. She really did love the ER but it's more practical to have set hours while juggling kids, "Okay. But let's see what the bills say first." 

Danny and LInda went over the bills together. By the way things looked Linda would have to go back fulltime. There wasn't even a parttime option for her. Linda sighed. As soon as her maternity leave was up she'd have to enroll the kids in daycare and start working just to keep the family afloat. These were the days Linda wished Danny made more money. She wished he was payed so much more for risking his life every day.

"That's it then." She put her cup of tea down, "I'll have to start pumping so they have milk frozen to take to daycare." Linda's eyes watered.

"Linda." Danny frowned.

"I'm fine. I just wish it was differant." She shook her head.

"I'm sorry. I can get more tours and maybe something on the side." Danny started to offer.

Linda shook her head, "No. We'd still need me to work and you being in danger more than you already are isn't the solution." Linda argued.

"But Linda..." Danny started to say. The loud cried from the baby's room alerted them to naptime being over.

"Don't but Linda me. I'm a big girl. I'll handle it." She said before gong upstsiars to tend to the babies.

Danny looked down at the bills one ast time praying he didn't have to pop his wifes bubble and send her back to work. Especially because she made it clear she'd rather stay home.

* * *

Later that day Linda was trying to get the twins fed when another fight erupted between her and Danny. He'd promised her, he'd be home all day. But when his partner called saying they had a case, Danny got dressed for work. Linda was sitting on their bed nursing both babies as he changed.

"I ask you for  _one_ day to stay home! And then you skip off to work." Linda shook her head, "Don't you understand how hard this is?!" 

"Linda I get it! But this is my job! I don't get to sit at home and do nothing all day!" Danny tucked his shirt in.

"Nothing?! This is nothing?!" Linda's jaw dropped.

"That's not what I meant and you know it Linda!" He slid his badge over his belt and put his gun on his side.

"You don't get it!" Linda started to cry. 

Danny sighed. He hated that this was so normal for them. Danny took a deep breath, "Linda. Honey." He carefully sat next to her on the bed while she fed the babies, "Babe, please don't cry. I'm sorry. I know I said I'd be home today but I can't not go in for this case. The vic had my card on him. It's from a previous case." He tried to explain.

"Whatever Danny. Just go. Leave your wife and kids and just go to work." Linda said sadly.

"Honey, it's not like that. You know it's not like that." He softened his tone.

"Yeah. Okay." Linda brushed him off. She'd bet anything he was just trying to get her to stop crying but she couldn't help it. She cried for everything lately. Sean made Grace a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then cut it into triangles and made 'houses' with carrot sticks to decorate her plate. Linda burst into tears when she watched him make his little sister laugh.

"I have to go to work. I love you. And Sam and Faith. And Grace. And Jack and Sean." Danny kissed the top of her head. It was killing him to leave his crying wife but if he left any later he'd be late.

"I love you." Linda was so made at him. So upset. But those where the three words she'd never keep from him. Even when they were fighting. Linda watched Danny leave. When the front door shut she let out a fresh set of tears. Everything was spinning and getting worse lately. Linda felt like she was trapped on a never ending roller coaster. She just wanted life to pause for a moment so she could get herself straight. She was always upset, mad, crying, angry. Linda hated it. She wished there was something to fix someone like her. She didn't know where to turn for help. Danny already thought she was overreacting and over emotional about everything. He'd be no help. He just seemed to want to push her off to the side so he could do what he wanted. Linda's mind wandered. How much more crazy would Danny put up with? How could Linda help herself. She knew something was wrong. Her emotions felt so much more over the edge than she'd ever felt before. She was thankful and grateful for her life and her family. But something just wasn't right about it. Something in the back of her heart kept her anxiety active and her worst thoughts running through her head. It made her feel abandoned and alone without Danny home. And even some of those nights she knew he was beside her but mentally she just wasn't there. Her brain ran worst case scenario over and over again until she almost felt like she'd believe it to be true.

 


	3. Chapter 3

When Danny came home that night it was late and everyone should have been sleeping. When he pulled in he was surprised and concerned to see Erin's car parked on the street. Danny didn't see his sister asleep on the couch although it looked like that's where she'd been sleeping earlier. He listened for a moment before hearing her upstairs talking to Sam.

"Here you go. A nice warm bottle, it's Mommy's milk. It's yummy." She cooed softly while rocking him.

Danny tapped quietly on the open door so he didn't startle anyone, "Is Linda okay?" He asked.

"Look who is home." She talked softly to her nephew, "Yeah. Linda is okay. More or less. Kind-of." Erin said.

"What are you doing here?" Danny asked peeking in on his sleeping daughter.

"I called Linda to chitchat but Sean answered the phone. I talked to him a bit and he said Linda was crying and upset. He had asked her what he can do and she just cried that it was too hard and you were gone. Said her day was a horrible day. That's when I called. I heard her crying in the background. I told Sean to put the babies in their swings in the living room and take Grace downstairs to play and keep an eye on everyone. It sounds like his mom was having a really bad day, to call me if he felt like he needed to and came over. I didn't want to scare him and say I didn't think Sam and Faith were safe with her alone. She's not okay Danny." Erin said, "When I got here I checked the kids, changed diapers, fed the twins and made Sean and Grace some french toast for dinner then came up to check on Linda. She's really upset. Kept crying because Sam eats a lot and her right breast looks like it's starting to get mastitis. So I bought a can of formula. The one that says it's for breast fed babies. Because I wasn't sure if she was able to nurse and not be so upset or in pain. She cried that you left her and that needed to be clarified after she said it. Everything is setting her off. She's just so....sad." Erin sighed, "She needs to talk to someone. She's stressed out beyond belief. She said there was money problems with having the twins, and she can't keep them fed or clean by herself. She said she's alone all the time with them. That she feels unloved. Everything is just horrible and getting worse by the second for her. I think there's a real problem here and it's not just stress."

Danny listened to his sister talk. He hung onto each word. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, "We're fighting a lot her and I." Danny frowned.

"Yeah." Erin nodded, "Jack told me that the last few weeks have been screaming matches between you two. He asked if you were going to get a divorce then got mad because if you didn't have the babies you wouldn't be fighting."

"That's not true. It's not their fault. It's none of the kids' fault." Danny swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I know that. And I told Sean that you two are fighting because you love each other and are fighting to stay together. If you were going to divorce you would have left already or she would have taken the kids or something would have happened. You wouldn't be standing there trying to work it out. Even if it did mean raised voices. But he said it's scaring Grace. I guess she's been extra clingy towards him." Erin told Danny.

"So what do I do? What do I do with her? I don't know how to help her and every time I try she shuts me down." Danny asked.

Erin shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know either Danny but she needs someone to help her because I'm telling you. As your sister, as the family member of a long line of cops, as a mother, as their aunt, I wouldn't leave her alone with the babies. I don't think she would hurt them but I think she can't take care of herself so she can't take care of them."

Danny nodded his head, "You staying the night still?" He asked.

"I took a personal day tomorrow too. Maybe you can take her to the doctor or something or talk to her while I watch the little ones." Erin suggested.

"Thank you." Danny kissed his son's head then his daughters, "Night sis." He peeked in on Grace. He was surprised to see Sean on the floor next to her bed. Erin was right. Grace didn't want Sean too far away from her.

When he walked into his room Linda was sobbing. He took off his gun and badge putting them on top of the dresser. Danny walked around the bed and crouched on the floor to face his wife, "Are you alright?"

"That's a dumb question." She cried.

Danny nodded his head, "Okay." He sighed.

"And you don't care anyway!" She clenched her eyes shut tight.

"Linda, I care. I care so much. I just want to help you honey." Danny said sad that she could think that about him.

"No Danny! You don't. If you did you wouldn't have left me today." Linda shook her head.

Danny frowned, "I left for work. I didn't _leave_ you."

"Well it _sure_ felt like it." Linda sniffled.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to feel like that." Danny tried to apologize.

"And now my babies are getting bottles with Erin because I have a breast infection and I can't do it. I just can't do it. It's too hard. I can't nurse them both. Sam is always attached to me and won't stop eating and Faith apparently wants a sip every five minutes. I don't sleep because they don't wake up at the same time and Grace doesn't sleep through the night all the time. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. My babies are with their aunt and who knows if they understand she's not Mommy or another Mommy. I should be able to feed my kids. I can't even do the simplest thing." Linda sobbed, "And you don't touch me anymore. Probably because I'm disgusting and from what you had to see happen. And that's fine but I feel gross and ugly all the time. I can barely shower without being interrupted forty-seven times before I step foot in the shower because Grace wants a snack or needs to say hi or wants to show me her book. This is too hard. Two babies is too much and I can't do it." Linda shook her head, "And you want me to go back to work like this. How am I supposed to work and save lives if I can't even get out of bed to nurse my baby?"

"Let's do this. I'll draw you a nice warm bath. You can soak for however long you want and no one will bother you. We can share and I can rub your back." Danny suggested. Maybe a relaxing bath would calm her anxiety.

"You don't want to see me naked." Linda shook her head.

"Linda, you're amazing. You're gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, pretty, all wrapped into one." Danny said, "I love you Linda. I've seen every single inch of you and there's not an ugly section anywhere."

"But you don't want to sleep with me." Linda cried.

"Not because I don't think you're beautiful. You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen." Danny took her hand in his, "But because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. You haven't been cleared by your doctor for sex and I _won't_ do anything if I think it's going to hurt you." Danny said gently, "C'mon babe. Let's take a warm bath together. It might do your breast some good as well to sit with some hot water. Alright?" 

Linda nodded her head with a frown. She didn't know how to stop everything. She could barely think straight. All these thoughts kept popping into her head. She loved her children but she often thought about them or her not being here any longer, and if this would have happened if she was younger when she had the twins. Linda couldn't stop crying. She felt like Alice in Wonderland. She felt like all the tears she cried would fill up a room and carry her away if she didn't find a way to stop.

Danny walked back into the bedroom, "C'mon. I lit that purple candle you like too." He said.

"Lavender." She cried.

"What?" Danny sat on the edge of the bed.

"It smells like lavender. Oh Danny." She sobbed. Danny pulled the covers back gently and helped Linda slip out of her pajamas. He set her in the tub first while he undressed and got in behind her. It was times like these he loved the fact that she had wanted to redo the master bathroom so many years ago. Their tub was large enough for both of them to sit comfortably in it and deep enough that no ones knees or toes were above water.

Danny sat behind Linda placing soft kisses to her shoulder, "It's okay baby. It's going to be okay."

"Danny I know something is wrong with me. I know it. I feel..." Linda tried to explain it, "I know this isn't normal. I'm so depressed. I'm so sad. I just want it all to end. But I also can't stop it. I want to make it all stop. I don't like this. I hate myself for not being able to take care of them. I hate myself for putting you through this. I feel like I just want to sleep and never wake up." She admitted. 

Danny tightened his arms around her, "The babies are safe. Grace and Sean are safe. You're safe. That's what matters most."

"I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to be a mom to five kids. I can't do it. I feel like I'm suffocating and I don't know how to find air. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on." Linda took a deep breath and cried.

"We're gong to figure this out together. Okay?" He kissed her shoulder once again.

"Please don't leave me. Please Danny." She begged, "I can't handle it if you left. Please don't leave. I'm sorry I'm such a basket case. I'm so sorry Danny." Linda had never felt unsafe in her own body before. This was new. And it was scaring the Hell out of her.

"I'll never leave. I promise. I love you Linda. You don't have to be sorry." He soothed, "It's okay. I promise. I'm not leaving you. Oh Linda, I love you." Danny reached around to kiss her cheek. He hummed softly in her ear. Linda started crying as she recognized the song he was humming. She bawled when she heard him softly start to sing their wedding song in her ear, "Look into my eyes, you will see, what you mean to me." Danny pressed kisses to her neck as she leaned back on his shoulder.

"I love you so much." She cried.

"I love you. Always." Danny held his wife tight. Danny carefully rubbed her shoulders and back focusing on her lower back as well. He could feel the tension under his fingers as he rubbed the muscles, "Tomorrow we can go see your doctor and hopefully they can help with your breast and tell us how to help you through this."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Linda cried. She felt at fault for everything, "I hate this. I hate everything about this. I hate myself." She sobbed.

"Oh sweetheart." Danny wrapped his arms around her careful of her painful breast, "I love you. I don't know what I'd ever do without you." Danny held his wife tight until the bath started to cool. He didn't have any idea how to help her but he knew that no matter what he did, it needed to be done quickly.


	4. Chapter 4

Danny drove a sobbing Linda to her obstetricians office. Danny had called first thing in the morning and set the appointment up. He told them his wife needed to be seen that day. She didn't want to go. She screamed at him. Told him he couldn't love her if he was forcing her to do something she didn't want to. That she just needed more sleep. Danny bit his tongue not to yell back. He knew her words weren't her own. He knew that she was upset and lashing out. But the words still stung. He finally convinced her to get in the car when he flat out told her to get in the car willingly or he'd carry her to the car. That he loved her so much that if she needed to hate him for doing what's best for her, then he was okay with that. But that he wasn't going to keep watching her slip away from herself, from her family, because she refused help.

"I don't hate you." She cried.

"I know." Danny reached over to take her hand in his while he drove, "I love you Linda." He repeated those four words so many times it felt like it was added on to every sentence lately.

"I don't know what to do Danny. I hate feeling like this." Linda hung her head as she sobbed.

"We are going to see the doctor and they are going to help. I promise." Danny squeezed her hand. When Danny parked he quickly walked around the car to open her car door for her.

"They are going to take the kids away. If I'm not safe around them." Linda started to panic.

Danny shook his head, "No they won't. The kids are fine. No one is taking them anywhere." Danny put an arm around her waist.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Linda cried as they walked into the office. Luckily they were the first appointment of the day so they were quickly escorted to a private room.

Linda's doctor walked in, "Hey Linda. What's going on?" She asked.

"I don't know." Linda whined. She closed her eyes wishing she was anywhere but in that office.

"This has been weeks. She's having a really hard time, emotionally. She's having trouble breastfeeding. My sister was over and said it looked like something called mastitis." Danny said, "But Linda is so emotional and exhausted."

"I can't do it. I'm a horrible mother. I can't even feed my babies." Linda cried, "I just want this to end."

"You want what to end Linda?" The doctor asked.

"Everything. It's so bad. I just want to sleep. When I sleep it's not bad because I'm not awake." Linda sobbed, "I'm no good to my kids."

"Oh Linda." Danny said sadly. He wished he had the right words to make her feel better.

"I see. Okay. First let's check out that breast and see what we can do about it. Are you still seeing Dr. Bennet?" The Obstetrician asked.

Linda shook her head, "Not in a while. I did while pregnant but with having the babies I've missed appointments because I just can't make them. I can't do it. I can't juggle five kids and a job, and everything. I'm failing and there's no way to stop. I can't do this anymore." She cried.

"Okay. So I'm going to need you to see her when you leave here. Today. With your psychological history this sounds like some depression, probably postpartum depression. I need you to see her so she can asses your mental state. I'm not entirely comfortable sending you home with newborns when you're this upset." She said. She took a look at Linda's inflamed breast.

"I told you! She's gonna have someone take the babies away. I'm sorry Danny I'm so sorry!" Linda just cried harder.

"No, no, no. Danny is there. The babies stay. I just think that it's too much for you by yourself right now and I'd rather be cautious than not worry about it." The doctor said, "I'm going to send an antibiotic to the pharmacy for this okay. I also recommend you stop breastfeeding. Dr. Bennet will likely put you back on your antidepressants. Some  _can_ travel through breast milk. Not all of them do. But I think the breast feeding twins is just too much unnecessary stress."

"I can't feed my babies!?" Linda threw an arm over her eyes, "I'm the most useless mother out there." She cried.

"No Linda you're not. You just need to take care of you. The twins will do just fine on formula. You don't need the stress of breastfeeding them both and switching boobs and babies around. First, you need to take care of yourself. Because if you can't do that, you certainly can't take care of two infants." The doctor explained, "You need to watch her carefully with the babies." She told Danny, "I don't feel that she is suicidal or going to harm them but you need to be careful. she's not thinking clearly and could do something without realizing it."

Danny nodded his head. He was terrified inside. He was watching his wife slide into a deep depression and was just told she could possibly hurt one of the children. Danny helped Linda sit up, "It's okay. It's okay. They will eat. You're not useless."

"Danny I can't even feed them. What kind of mother can't feed her baby?" Linda cried into his chest as he held her close.

Danny held Linda until she was able to walk out of the office with a check up date in a few weeks. He drove them to Dr. Bennet's office hoping she could fit Linda in.

"Linda!" Dr. Bennet said upon seeing Danny and Linda walk in as she handed reception some paperwork, "Linda what happened? I've got forty-five minutes if you guys need to see me." She offered up her empty slot she usually used for paperwork.

Danny nodded his head and followed the Doctor to her office. 

Linda broke down sobbing as they sat on the couch, "Linda. What's wrong? Why the tears?" Dr. Bennet asked.

"I can't feed my babies." Linda cried, "The OB said to stop breastfeeding. I can't do it. I can't. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. I want to sleep. I want to sleep forever. I hate this. I want it to end. I don't know what to do anymore." She sobbed, "And I'm so alone and scared. I can't do this. And I hate myself. The way I look. The crying. I hate it so much. No one cares about me or loves me and I'm so lonely. Danny leaves for work and I have three kids at home to take care of and I can't even feed my newborns. And I have to work because we can't afford it if I stay home. I can't work, and take care of three kids. I can't even take care of the kids. I just want this to end. I can't do it anymore." Linda rambled though her tears.

"If you're not breastfeeding we can put you back on the antidepressant. That will help with the anxiety and depression. Remember? We talked about this happening?" She reminded Linda, "But I'm hearing a lot of you saying you don't like things about yourself and that you feel alone." Dr. Bennet said.

"I am. Danny's going to leave. Why wouldn't he? I'm clearly insane." Linda cried large, fat, tears.

"I'll never leave Linda. I promise." Danny frowned, "I'll always be here for you."

"Why do you think that Linda?" Dr. Bennet asked.

"Because no one wants to deal with a crazy wife. Even I would leave me. I hate me." Linda wept.

"Why do you hate yourself?" Dr. Bennet jotted down notes as she spoke.

"Because. Look at me. I cry at everything. I argue with Danny all the time. I hate the way I look. I look disgusting." Linda wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Honey. I love you. Please believe that." Danny said gently.

"This is definitely PPD. I think because you have an anxiety disorder and depression that it's been amplified like this. So we're going to meet at our regular appointments but once a week instead of bi-weekly. I'm going to write this all out for you. But here's the action plan at the moment. Danny." She addressed him specifically, "Linda needs help. Find a way to be home, a sitter, a nanny, a friend, relative, someone who can be with her when she's home with the babies. If Grace goes to daycare send her on her usual days so it's one less kid at home all day. Let Linda talk. Let her ramble and yell and scream but try not to fight back with her. Because she has to have a way to get the negative thoughts out. Then when she's done you can talk about what she said and if she really thinks that or if she's just blowing smoke. She needs sleep. I know it's hard with twins but try to alternate nighttime feedings or each of you take a baby at night and split it that way. Linda we're going to focus on small steps so you're not overwhelmed. If you need to breathe for a moment and let one of the twins cry in the safety of their crib. That's okay. You are entitled to a guilt free hour outside the house every day. Even if it's just in the backyard sitting on the porch. Take time for yourself. You have to be healthy so those babies are healthy." She said, "We'll work on this together. And each week I'll see you." 

Linda nodded her head, "I feel horrible." She cried.

"But we're going to work on that. The pills will help and if you try to do what I said and focus on little things, it will get better. I promise." Dr. Bennet smiled, "We have to wrap up today but Linda Ill see you next week. Danny you're always welcome to join."

"Thank you." Danny shook her hand as they walked out.

Linda still sobbed for the car ride home. Now she had to take a pill just she wouldn't hurt her newborns. She hated everything about this. Linda felt guilty that she wasn't able to just handle twins. That she wasn't able to take care of herself, and three kids alone. Linda just wanted everything to stop and reset. She prayed Dr. Bennet was right and she'd feel better soon.


	5. Chapter 5

That evening Linda watched sadly as Danny made bottles for the twins. She felt like such a failure. She couldn't even do something that was normal for her body after having a baby. Linda sat on the couch while Sam and Faith were in their swings starting to fuss. They were hungry and ready to eat. Danny was able to take tomorrow off as well followed by the weekend but they weren't sure how many more days he could stay home with her. He would have to see how much paid leave he had available on Monday morning.

"Here we go." Danny sat next to Linda, "I'll take Sam and you can take Faith." Danny handed Faith to Linda then took Sam in his arms.

Linda sniffled, "I'm sorry." She apologized.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Linda." Danny leaned over and kissed her cheek, "It's okay. Grace did just fine on formula." Danny reminded her.

"But I didn't carry Grace." Linda explained. She sighed, "You don't get it."

"Then talk to me. Make me understand. Honey, I just want to help you." Danny held his son close.

Linda took a deep breath, "I know babies on formula are healthy too. I know this. And Grace was on formula and she was fine. I know. But I carried these babies. They grew inside me. I should be able to do the one things women's bodies are supposed to do after giving birth. I should be able to feed them." Linda started crying, "And if I'm failing at the simplest thing then how can I be a mother if I can't even feed them? How can I take care of them if I can't do the one thing nature dictates that I should be able to?"

Danny watched as his wife cried, "But this isn't your fault. You're not breastfeeding because you are taking care of yourself. You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else." Danny put Sam on his shoulder to burp him, "Linda. You're the most amazing mother in the world. Our kids are so lucky to have you as their mother." Danny tried to make her feel better.

Linda burped Faith and put her back in the swing. She felt even worse that she didn't  _want_ to take care of her babies. It was so much work and she was so tired. Danny painfully watched as his wife slipped further away. 

"I think I'm going to try and lay down or something. I can't do this." Linda cried, "I'm sorry."

Danny shifted Sam to one arm so he could put the other around his wife, "It's alright Linda. I think some rest is a good idea. Do you need anything? I can bring you up some of that tea you like after a long day at work. Or I can make you something to eat." Danny offered help any way he could. Linda sadly shook her head. She didn't need anything he could give her. She needed to go back in time and not get pregnant. Maybe that would fix her. Danny watched as his wife walked up the stairs looking so beaten down. He wished there was more he could do. He prayed between the therapy and medication it would help her from falling so deep.

* * *

Sunday dinner the following week was tense. Linda sat next to Danny trying not to cry through the whole meal. Knowing what was going on Erin must have said something to Nicky because the two were unusually quiet. Sean and Jack knew their mom was always upset so they stayed to themselves only paying attention to Grace who sat in her booster chair at the table next to Sean. Jack had taken the extra seat between Jamie and Pop. The three Reagan children kept quiet for most of the meal. Jamie watched curiously wondering what was going on with his family members but not wanting to be the one to speak up abut it. Frank could tell Linda was having a hard time but wasn't sure how to approach the subject. While Henry got fed up with the silence.

"Hard week for everyone?" Henry asked looking at each family member.

"It's fine." Danny said a little too quickly.

"Fine my ass. Something happened to someone." Henry scoffed.

Linda put her hand over her eyes willing herself not to start bawling. Danny rubbed her back gently.

"Everyone is fine." Erin said hoping it would take some of the stress of her brother and sister-in-law, "Nicky why don't you tell everyone about your summer school?" 

Nicky nodded her head, "I'm doing a few extra classes to get them out of the way so when the fall semester starts I can take higher level classes." 

Henry nodded knowing they were trying to distract him, "That's a good plan." He said, "Now anyone want to tell me what's going on at the other corner of the table?" He called out to Danny and Linda.

Linda whispered something to Danny who nodded his head. The Reagan's watched as Linda left the table and closed the kitchen door behind her. Danny sighed. He knew dinner would be hard but he'd hoped they'd get through.

"What did I say?" Henry asked not knowing why Linda was so upset.

"Danny, what's going on?" Frank asked.

"She's just having a really hard time adjusting. The twins are up and down all night, Grace has started getting up at night. No one sleeps at the same time. Linda isn't sleeping. She's just..." Danny tried to find the right words, "She's having a bad time with this." Danny said.

"Is she crazy? I read this online article that said some women go crazy and kill their kids after they give birth." Sean piped up.

"No. Your mother isn't crazy. And she's not going to hurt the babies. Or herself." Danny glared at his son.

"What? I'm just saying." Sean shrugged his shoulders.

"Doofus." Jack called him.

"Danny, I'm not so sure she's okay alone with the twins." Erin said. She wasn't trying to contradict him but she didn't want him to assume Linda was okay.

"She's fine. I'm home. She can't hurt them. She wouldn't. She just doesn't  _want_ to do anything with them. She loves them but she hates how she feels around them." Danny tried to explain.

"So what are you going to do?" Jamie asked.

"They told her to go back on the pills she was on before after she got shot and had her stop breastfeeding so it won't pass to the twins. And she's talking to that doctor again. I didn't realize she was skipping appointments." Danny said.

"I thought she was off those for good? You know how those pills are just a way..." Frank started to say.

Danny cut him off, "Well _she_ takes whatever medication helps her and goes to therapy because it helps her. Now anyone who has an issue with that, can shut their mouth because I won't sit at this table where we talk about everything and listen to how my wife should just deal with it. Not when I've talked to the doctors myself, I've seen her sob over everything from feeling like a failure of a mother to feeling guilty that she can't take care of the twins on her own to the fact that she forgot to pick up milk. I don't give a damn how anyone feels about medication and therapy. Those two things help her. And _that's_ what I care about." Danny said angrily.

"What can we do to help Uncle Danny?" Nicky asked.

Danny sighed, "Stop making her feel worse because certain people don't like that she's got a problem. Look, I know we've all come across plenty of EDP's but this isn't like that."

"Postpartum depression is a real thing." Erin said, "And with all the stress, and everything Linda's been through with her uncle right before she found out she was pregnant and giving birth unexpectedly, premature and at home with no doctor or midwife, I can understand how everything is crashing around her and she just can't handle it. Danny, if you guys need someone to help with the babies or if she needs somewhere to go to get out of the house I'm around." Erin offered.

"I can help too Uncle Danny. When I don't have class or the weekends. I can help out." Nicky smiled.

"Dad, I can come home Friday after class instead of Saturday mornings. Then I can help with stuff around the house and Grace." Jack offered.

"I don't know too much about babies but I know enough to be an extra set of hands." Jamie said, "Or I can take Grace and Sean so it's less kids at home."

"I can do more chores so mom doesn't have to." Sean handed Grace a few more animal crackers she'd been munching on.

"I'm home. All day. Linda is always welcome to come here or I can go sit with her and help with the kids. I may be old but I can still help out." Henry offered his support, "Francis."

Frank looked down the table at his father, "I understand that Linda is going through some emotional problems. and of course, we love her, we'll do what we can to help. But she can't expect you to take all this time from work just to stay home. She's got to figure out how to take care of the kids on her own. I think by helping her we're doing more harm than good." Frank tried to explain his thinking, "If you bring a boy to the lake and never teach him how to swim without a life vest, then when that boy becomes a man he won't know how to swim without a life vest. The one day the life vest is missing the man will drown."

"So you think if we toss the boy into the water he will learn to swim because he doesn't have the safety of a life vest?" Jack asked.

"Exactly. This is like that. Linda needs to be tossed into this without us coddling her. Or she'll never be able to do it. Yes it's stressful but your mom had four kids and she didn't need pills and strangers to talk to just to get through it." Frank told Danny.

Danny tossed his napkin over his plate, "And mom didn't have twin, or a traumatic birth for those twins." Danny shook his head, "I'm going to go check on my wife. Because I support her and love her unconditionally. Which is more than I can say for you right now."

"Danny now that's not true. I love Linda. She's family." Frank protested.

"Yeah.  _Because_ she's family you love her but you don't support her. Not when things get hard like this. Not when it has to deal with her mental heath because you don't agree with how she takes care of herself. We'll guess what Dad. She will do whatever the Hell she needs to do, without regard to anyone elses opinion." Danny huffed. he walked into the kitchen annoyed with his father. He knew Frank loved Linda and would always want the best for her. But he hated that his father just couldn't get over his narrow way of thinking about mental health when it came to her. Danny had never been one for pills and therapy either But when he saw with his own eyes just how much it helped Linda, he didn't care anymore. His wife was able to function with the aid of pills and therapy. And that was what mattered. Over time Danny equated Linda's mental health to someone with diabetes. The pills and therapy were like diet and insulin. The depression and anxiety was managed with pills and therapy just as the diabetes was managed with diet and insulin. Once he started seeing things in that way he understood how important it was for Linda to take her medication and go to her appointments.

Danny walked into the kitchen to see Linda sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. He walked over to her, "Hey babe." Danny wrapped his arms around her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder.

The two stayed like that for a long moment before Linda spoke, "They all think I'm insane don't they?" She'd heard bits and pieces of the conversation but not everything.

"No. They offered to help in anyway they could." Danny held her close.

"But not Frank." Linda cried.

"He'll come around. I have a feeling he's being yelled at by Pop and Erin will talk to him at some point, I'm sure." Danny kissed Linda's cheek, "But it doesn't matter. Because I love you. And I'm right here. I support you doing whatever you need to do. I love you no matter what. You will always be my amazing, wonderful wife. I'm so proud of you."

"Proud?" Linda half laughed, half cried.

"Yeah. Proud. It takes a very strong person to ask for help. To push through even when all you want to do it stop. I'm proud to be married to such a strong woman." Danny told her. Danny held his wife tightly while she cried in the kitchen. He pressed kissed to the top of her head down to her shoulders. Eventually Linda quieted down and dried her eyes. Danny gathered the kids and their things, to take his family home. Linda had said it was too hard for her to stay all night. She apologized the whole ride home while Danny promised her it was okay. Jack and Sean sat in the third row entertaining Grace while the twins slept peacefully. When they got home Sean offered to put Grace to bed and Jack said he'd help with the twins. Linda went straight to her room to take hot bath. She knew Danny would sit in the bedroom waiting for her. He could say he wasn't scared all he wanted but Linda knew this scared him. It scared her too. She just didn't know how to make it stop.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Monday morning Henry arrived with breakfast pastries from the bakery Linda frequently stopped at on her way to work. He may have been tipped off by Danny on his way over.

"Morning Pop." Linda said from her spot on the couch. She was feeding Sam a bottle while Grace finished the strawberries in her high chair and Faith lay quietly in her bouncy seat. Jack drove back to school Sunday night since it was still early enough and Jack had already left for school that morning. Danny was in the kitchen cleaning up from breakfast.

"How are you doing?" Henry set the pastry box on the coffee table, "I brought us breakfast." He smiled.

"Thanks." Linda was grateful Henry was coming over since Danny had to go to work for a bit. He had to talk to his Sargent about how much leave he could take to stay home with Linda and the kids.

"What? Nothing for me?" Danny smiled as he carried Grace in the room.

"You didn't just have two kids. She deserves pastries." Henry laughed.

"Mama!" Grace reached for her.

"Say bye bye to Mommy. You're going to go to daycare and see Miss Erica for a bit while Daddy runs to work. Give Mommy kisses and hugs." He let Grace get down to hug and kiss Linda. Grace kissed her brother's head then her baby sister's.

"Bye bye! thee you thoon!" She echoed the phrase Miss Erica at daycare often said.

Danny kissed the twins heads before hugging Linda, minding the baby in her arms, "I love you." He said softly.

Linda nodded her head. She was afraid if she started to speak she'd cry. She knew Grace was safe at daycare and she loved going but Linda felt like she wasn't able to be the  _right_ mother for ending her kid to daycare while she was home all day.

Danny kissed his wife's lips, "You just order Pop around for a while. I'll be home as soon as I can." Danny smiled warmly, "And you can call me if you need to. Okay?" Linda sniffled but nodded her head, "Try to eat something. You took your pill but I know it can upset your stomach. I know how much you don't feel like eating lately but I'd really like you to try. That way you don't get sick." He gently tried to push her to eat. Lately Danny noticed Linda ate less and less. When he asked her about it she said she just wasn't hungry. Later on she cried in bed. She said she couldn't eat when she couldn't even feed her own children. That's when Danny noted it to talk to her doctor about next appointment and told her that he'd like if she tried to eat a little bit each day. That starving herself wouldn't do anyone any good. And that he didn't want to have to force her to eat but he would if it became a concern for her health. After she cried some more she promised to eat throughout the day but that sometimes she really truly wasn't hungry and before she knew it she'd skipped a meal. So that morning Danny came up with a plan. When Grace, Sean or Danny eats, Linda eats. Even if it's just some fruit or toast with jam. When one of the older kids or Danny eats Linda eats. Danny hoped this way she'd at least manage some food on a regular basis and maybe not skip as many meals.

Danny hugged her and kissed her once again, "We've got to get going so I can get her to daycare. I'll call when I'm on my way home." Danny smiled at Henry, "Thanks Pop." Danny picked up Grace and started to walk out the door when he heard Linda.

"I love you!" She yelled towards the door.

"Love you more!" Danny yelled back. He walked out the door when his phone buzzed in his pocked. Linda texted him ' _love you the most.'_ Danny smiled. He put Grace in her car seat and backed out of the driveway carefully. He hoped today would be a good day.

* * *

When Danny got to the 54th precinct he was surprised how easy it was to get time off. His Sargent said that after so many years, plus the fact that he never took paternity leave he was entitled to with Grace, and that he only took partial when the twins were born, she'd be able to swing him eight weeks of paid leave. She said that after eight weeks he'd have to start using vacation time but being a mother herself, she knew he wasn't screwing around when he had told her he needed the time to help his wife. Danny didn't want to tell everyone what was going on with Linda but if his boss knew that it was a medical issue that would help push things his way. Danny sat at his desk clearing some files and passing any open cases to other detectives so Beaz wasn't stuck with a full case and a substitute partner who wasn't going to be nearly as good as Danny Reagan.

Beaz sat down at her desk surprised to see Danny, "Thought you had the day off?" She asked.

"I'm gone in an hour or so." He said, "Just lightening your case load." He smiled. Beaz looked confused since she hadn't talked to Danny yet this morning.

"What?" She asked.

"Take a good look because you won't get to see this face for two months." He grinned.

"Probation?" She wondered what he could have done to be off for that long.

"Close. Extra paternity leave. Linda's not doing so well and she needs help with the twins. They can't go to daycare because they are too little and it's best for everyone if I'm there to help." Danny explained.

"So you're going to play Mr. Mom for a while?" Beaz sipped her coffee.

"More like help her. The doctor said it's uh...PPD." Danny tried to recall the acronym.

"Oh wow. Yeah that is serious. I have a friend who went through that. She ended up." Beaz stopped her story abruptly not wanting to finish.

"What did she end up doing?" Danny probed.

"She was probably way worse than Linda and you're staying with her so it's not gonna happen." Beaz rambled, "So this isn't really like Linda. It's just...she...She ended up killing herself and her kid. She drowned the baby in the tub then ODed on pain meds."

"Linda would never hurt the babies." Danny repeated the one sentence he felt like he said to everyone who commented on his wife.

"I'm just saying. It's a serious thing and it's good that you can go home to them. That you can be there to help her." Beaz smiled, "Besides. Not seeing your ugly mug for eight weeks might do me some good. After all, you're always around. It's a killer on the dating life." She joked.

"See, I think of it as helping weed out the men who aren't up for dating a detective." He smiled.

"Yeah but a girl's gotta eat sometimes." Beaz replied.

"Are you saying that you, Detective Maria Beaz, Miss I'm-so-independent, wants a man to pick up the tab on a date?" Danny teased.

"You seriously going to sit there and tell me that even though you two share a bank account you've ever let Linda pull out her card to pay for dinner?" Beaz asked. When Danny paused for too long she laughed, "See, I didn't think so. You still after all this time with her need to be the  _man_ and pay for everything. Even when it comes from the same account. It's the act of  _you_ handing the money over." 

"My job is to protect, support and love. Support extends to paying for nights out. She doesn't need to do that. That's my job." Danny said.

"Now I'm interested. What's her job?" Beaz asked.

"To love me." Danny smiled.

"That's not a real answer." Beaz told him.

Danny would have said something back but his phone rang, "Reagan." He answered, "Hey Babe. I was just talking about you." 

"You were?" Linda asked.

"Yeah. Beaz asked how you were so we were talking about you, the twins, the other kids." He said.

"Oh. Well if you're busy I won't keep you then." Linda said sadly.

"It's fine. I'm good. What's wrong?" He asked. Danny could head her voice shake when she spoke.

"Pop sent me upstairs to try and get some rest. I just can't sleep. I was wondering when you were coming home." She sniffled.

"I just need to finish up a few things and then I'll be home. Maybe an hour to finish up here then I'll be home as soon as I can." Danny told her.

"Okay." Linda was hoping it was sooner than that but she knew it was impossible to ask him to come straight home just so she could sleep.

"Alright. I love you." Danny said.

"Love you more." Linda sighed.

"Love you the most." Danny hung up his phone after he heard Linda end the call. He went back to getting his things in order to leave for eight weeks. He couldn't have been more grateful for his Sargent to be so understanding. Danny just hoped his father wouldn't overrule the decision. Technically Danny  _had_ the time off. He could use it how and when he wanted to. If his Sargent gave the green light on eight weeks, Danny couldn't see how the Commissioner wouldn't sign off on it as well. Danny said a quick silent prayer that his father would sign the papers. He had to understand that Danny was doing his best for his family. He was doing what his father always taught him. Family first. Danny was putting family first. Even if it wasn't how his father would do it. Even if it wasn't something his father liked. He hoped he'd at least understand enough that Danny was doing what he thought was right.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Danny smiled when he walked into his house. He couldn't wait to tell Linda about his eight weeks time off. He prayed that his father would sign off on it. Danny was surprised when he walked in. Everyone was silent. He crept upstairs to find the twins asleep in their cribs and Henry asleep in the rocking chair in the nursery. Danny gently shook Henry, "Pop." He said quietly, "How did you get them both to sleep at the same time?" Danny grinned.

Henry yawned, "Told them stories from back in the day. It always worked on you kids." He joked.

"Thank you." Danny said sincerely, "How's Linda?"

"I sent her upstairs to get some rest but I'm not sure if she's actually doing that or not." Henry had tried to make sure she laid down while she had him there to help with the twins.

"Okay. I'll go check on her. Pop, I really appreciate the help." Danny admitted. He walked his grandfather out the house giving a wave to Jamie. When Danny was on his way home he called his little brother to bring Henry home in case Linda was asleep. He didn't want to have to disturb her.

Danny walked into his bedroom to find Linda tossing and turning. It looked like she was having a nightmare. Danny slid off his shoes to slid on to the bed next to her, "Babe. It's okay Linda. Shh." He put an arm around her waist, "Linda." He whispered trying to calm her.

Linda tossed and turned. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she dreamed of Danny taking the kids. She watched him over and over drive off with the kids in the car leaving her alone. Hearing him tell her she's insane and he didn't want her anymore. Hearing him tell her how crazy she was. Linda's heart ripped in two as she dreamed of him pushing her out of their home and yelling at her to never come back. She woke up with a start when she saw the image of her own grave in her mind. Linda's eyes scanned the room. Her eyes were red from crying so hard, "Danny?" She called out not having registered him next to him yet.

"I'm here. Right here baby. It's okay." Danny said gently, "It's alright."

"Don't leave. Please don't leave me." Linda curled towards Danny, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Hey. Hey. Hey." Danny held her close, "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I'm staying right here. I love you. It's okay. It was just a dream. I promise. I'm here. Right here." Danny's heart hurt watching his wife in so much pain.

"Please don't leave." Linda sobbed.

"I'm not. I won't. I promise." Danny rubbed her back in small circled.

"I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Linda cried over and over.

Danny kissed the top of her head, "It's alright baby. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry. It's alright."

"I don't know how I'd live without you." She admitted with a shaky breath.

"Honey, you'll never have to. I'll always be here." Danny hugged her tightly wishing he could do more to help his wife.

"Please don't leave me. Please don't take the kids away. I'll be better. I promise I'll be better." Linda's whole body shook as she cried.

"I wouldn't. I'm staying right here. And the kids will always be with you. I. Love. You." Danny said sincerely, "I love you so much Linda." Linda just nodded her head as she clutched Danny's shirt, "I love you." He said over and over again hoping his words made her feel better, "I got eight weeks to stay home. Paid time off for you and the babies."

"Really?" She asked incredulously. She barely believed that Frank would let Danny off work for that long, "What did Frank say?" She asked. She knew he didn't approve of how Danny was taking care of her or the family.

"Yeah. I have to wait for him to sign off but my Sargent did so that's all that should matter. Dad would have to have a really good reason to overrule the decision." Danny explained, "I'm home. I'm where I'm needed."

"I can't ask you to take that much time. I'll be fine." Linda tried to say. She felt even more guilty for making Danny stay away from work for that long. She knew how much he loved working.

"You will always take first priority. Over everything. My job as a husband will always trump my job as a cop." Danny said.

"But Danny." Linda cried. She hated this. She hated crying all the time. She hated feeling so guilty all the time.

"But nothing. Linda, I love being a cop. It's what I was born to do. But I love you so much more." Danny kissed the top of her head.

After a few long moments Linda's tears slowed, "Danny?" She asked.

"Right here babe. I'm here." He said softly.

"I don't know when this is going to end. I want it to end so much." Linda hated feeling so sad and depressed all the time.

"I know. And now that I'm home we'll work together to help you. We'll figure this out together. We've always done important things together. It won't ever change. I'll always be here for you." Danny kissed her forehead.

Linda looked up at Danny, "Okay." She said putting her trust in her husband. She didn't know what else to do. All she knew was that she'd never felt this horrible before and she just wanted the feeling to end. She wanted to be normal again. She wanted to be the wife and mother she was before the twins. Linda felt guilty that she wanted life to go back to before the twins were born. What mother could possibly want that? Linda took a deep shaky breath as she held onto Danny. He was the only constant thing in her world lately. And even that felt like it was slowly slipping away.


	8. Chapter 8

Two days of nightmares and feeling like a failure of a wife and mother went by. Wednesday early morning Linda sat at the dining room table. Danny wasn't up yet and she was able to slip out of the bedroom without disturbing him. She watched the babies sleep before peeking in on Grace. Linda walked down the stairs to sit in the quiet alone for a few moments. She ate a yogurt cup while trying to clear her head. She couldn't sleep lately. Danny was doing everything possible to help her. Even watching all the kids so she could lay down. But Linda just laid in bed and cried. Nightmares of Danny leaving plagued her every time she closed her eyes. Linda took a deep breath. She hated feeling like this. She hated how everything felt horrible lately. Linda turned her head as Sean walked up the stairs from the basement dressed and ready for school.

"Hey Mom." Sean smiled.

"Hey." Linda looked up at him, "You sleep okay?" 

"Yeah. I slept good. I'm going to get these dishes done for you really quick." He said as he popped some bread in the toaster. Sean opened the dish washer and started to unload it.

"Have I told you how you're such a great kid?" Linda asked.

Sean smiled, "I'm just trying to help. And you do a lot and the babies take up a lot of time and work. So the least I can do is the dishes." 

"Thank you Sean." Linda said sincerely.

Sean finished putting the clean dishes away and took his toast from the toaster. After putting some peanut butter on it, grabbing some fruit and a bottle of juice, he put his backpack on, "Dad said you're sad because you're stressed. Is there anything I can do besides chores to help make you happy?" Sean asked.

Linda shook her head, "Just be the amazing kid you always are." She hugged her son tight, "Have a good day at school." She watched Sean walk out the door eating his breakfast while catching up to some friends in the neighborhood. Linda walked upstairs quietly. She slid back into bed beside Danny who was now fully awake.

"You okay?" He asked her.

Linda nodded her head, "I will be." She snuggled down under the covers and into Danny's arms, "We have an appointment with Dr. Bennet today." 

"The twins are going to Pops for the day and Grace at daycare." He reminded her.

"Good. Grace likes daycare and Pops is surprisingly good with the twins." Linda took a deep breath.

"I think it's because the twins do what Pops does during the day, eat and nap." Danny joked.

Linda cracked a small smile, "That's probably true." Linda looked at Danny, "I was looking at our bills again." Linda said softly.

"Linda. You don't need to worry about that." Danny tried to ease her concern.

"But I  _do_ need to worry." She sighed, "So I was looking at them and we really can't afford for me to stay home. But I was thinking that if I find something with more regular hours instead of the ER where it's some days and some nights I could go back to work." Linda said, "Maybe it might even give me some guilt free time out of the house. Because I have to work." Linda tried to reason. She didn't  _want_ to go back to work but it looked like she didn't have a choice.

"We can worry about that later. Not now. We have more important things to worry about." Danny kissed her forehead.

Linda closed her eyes feeling tears fill them, "I hate that you worry about me." 

"Why?" Danny asked, "I love you. I'll always worry about you. Even before we had kids. I worried about you when we were dating." He smiled.

"Not like this though. I feel like you think I'm crazy." She admitted.

"Linda." Danny tilted her head so he could look in her eyes, "You are not crazy. You've been through a lot of trauma and between finding out you were pregnant the way you did and going through a hard pregnancy then having the twins the way you did, it's entirely understandable that you'd be having a hard time dealing with everything. Crazy is one thing I never think when it comes to you."

"You sure?" Her voice wavered.

"I promise. You're not crazy Linda. Maybe just crazy about me but not crazy." Danny hoped he'd make his wife smile.

"Well there's not really any other man in the world that I'd want to be with besides you. There's no one but you for me. It's been that way since we were kids in the lunch line." Linda kissed Danny's cheek.

Danny held his wife close while they stayed in bed as long as they could before one of the kids got up. Danny ushered Linda in the shower saying he'd have breakfast ready when she was out. Linda felt slightly better after her shower. She just hoped the better mood would last throughout the day.

* * *

The following week went by better than Danny thought it would. Linda still got upset easily. She still worried he'd leave due to her nightmares. But it got easier to calm her down adn reassure her he'd always be there. That he'd never take their children from her and that he loved her. Linda cried less as the weeks went on. She got overwhelmed easily with three little ones but after talking to her therapist who said work might help Linda get out of the house she started looking for a position with more steady hours.  Luckily St. Vincent's needed someone for the outpatient clinic. Hours were the same every week and she'd have to rotate weekends once a month. After working out her two Saturday's a month and daycare for the twins, Linda had a job to go back to once the twins were a little older.

One Friday after lunch Danny brought a small suitcase down from the bedroom.

Linda looked up from where she sat on the couch with both twins in her arms, "Danny?" She asked.

"We're going out." He smiled, "The kids are going to Dad and Pops where Erin, and Nicky are going for the weekend. Jack will be there tomorrow so he doesn't miss Sunday dinner." Danny said, "We have to drop them off."

"What? What are you talking about? Frank is going to babysit for a weekend? He doesn't even approve that you're on leave. He couldn't stop it but he doesn't like it." Linda reminded him, "He's going to watch the kids for us?" 

"Yup. He is. You need time away from babies. And you haven't been doing that. Dr. Bennet said you need to take some time away each day to focus on yourself and the most you've been doing is taking a shower. So if you can't do it by yourself, I'll help you. I'll make sure you get time away even if I have to force it on you. You're health matters." Linda knew by the way he talked that there was no way she'd be able to argue with him.

"Okay. Can you at least help me move? I'm pretty much stuck here." She gestured to the babies in her arms.

Danny picked up Sam and held him close to his chest, "Hey little guy." Danny cooed at him.

Linda stood up with Faith in her arms, "Do I need to pack anything?" She asked.

Danny shook his head, "It's taken care of. Even the kids are packed up." He smiled, "I took care of everything." 

"Okay." Linda said. She wasn't sure how she felt. She was excited about going out on a weekend trip with Danny but scared. She tried to avoid Danny seeing her naked too many times. She hated that she gained weight from the twins but couldn't lose it. She knew she had stretch marks from how big her belly was. She was afraid of what he would think if he got a good look at her body. Linda followed him to the car not knowing what to expect over the weekend.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Linda and Danny carried a twin into Frank's house. She was nervous going in. She'd barely talked to Frank. Even on Sunday dinner's he'd seemed distant from her and Danny. She knew he didn't agree with them. She knew he didn't like it but she hated that there seemed to be a wall between them that they just couldn't get over. Linda knew he loved his grandchildren and with Henry, Erin, Nicky, and even Jack and Sean to help things should run smoothly. She just worried about what he thought. She didn't want Danny to have any strain on his relationship with his father because of her. Danny was already irritated because Frank just didn't understand, he didn't even _try_ to understand, what was going on with Linda. Frank's words last Sunday were 'to do tough things you have to do it alone'. Linda had that phrase echoing around in her mind for almost a week. She couldn't do it alone. Being a mom was hard and Linda just wasn't able to do it. She hated feeling like a disappointment to the whole family. She had a fleeting thought of maybe they'd be better off without her but it quickly passed as they walked in. Linda smiled seeing Henry and Nicky waiting for them.

"Hey Pop!" Danny smiled.

"How is everyone?" Henry smiled. 

"Hi Aunt Linda!" Nicky grinned. She took Faith in her car seat from her aunt, "Hi sweetie!" She waived.

"Hi Nicky." Linda hugged her niece, "Thank you for helping watch them this weekend." 

"I love the babies! I'll always watch them. Plus Grace likes to help too. She's good at getting a diaper when it's time to change them." Nicky said. She had helped watch on three kids often enough that Grace was getting used to her big cousin always around.

"She does like to help. Not much she can do yet but she likes to try." Linda smiled.

"There's the newest little ones!" Frank smiled.

"Thanks Dad for letting the kids stay over." Danny politely said.

"They are my grand-kids. All of them. They will always be welcome. As are my children. All of them too." Frank said, "So I heard the good news. Linda, congratulations on the new job."

"Thank you Frank. It will hopefully be easier to manage everything with a better routine." Linda said.

Frank nodded, "It seems like you're doing better." He said to Linda, "That's good. So does this mean you're going back to work?" He asked Danny.

"I still have a little over four weeks of time off." Danny took a fussy Sam out of his car seat.

"Not planing on going back early?" Frank asked.

"Family first." Danny replied.

"And your job isn't as important?" Frank wondered.

"Not as important as my wife and children." Danny sighed. He didn't want to argue over this. He was doing the best he could for his family. It wasn't like he quit. He took paid time off. Time that he worked for. Danny wasn't going to let his father's opinion hinder the weekend Danny planned for. He wanted Linda to be able to relax and do whatever the Hell made her feel good again.

"Francis." Henry reprimanded.

"Okay. I was just asking." Frank surrendered.

"Frank. I know you don't agree with everything. My taking antidepressants, going to therapy, Danny being home, anything lately going on with Danny and I..." Linda started to say.

"Linda." Danny tried to diffuse the situation before it got too explosive.

"But here's the thing Frank." Linda was irritated with her Father-in-law, "Your opinion, while much sought after for most things, in this, your opinion doesn't matter. Because this is between Danny and I and how we chose to raise our children and how we chose to be a family. So if I'm a better mother while going to therapy and on pills then that's what I need to do. Because I can't function without it. You judging me, us, every step of the way, doesn't do anyone any good. All it does is make me see a side to you that I don't think I like. And that's disappointing." Linda said calmly but with an edge. She was clearly annoyed but was trying to control herself from blowing up at him, "Thank you for helping with the kids. We appreciate it.  _I_ appreciate it." 

Frank bit his tongue. Any comment would just further make him look like an ass. Danny broke the tense silence, "So they are fed and changed and should be good to go." He kissed his babies one last time before putting a hand on Linda's back as they walked out to the car. Danny held the door open for Linda with a large grin on his face, "I can't believe you said that to him." He said as he got in the car.

"What? I just him what i thought." Linda said, "And I didn't yell or say anything mean or anything like that."

"I know but you just told him how disappointed in him you are for not supporting you through this." Danny said, "That's good. You need to do more of that. Even with me." Danny took her hand across the middle consul.

"I just wanted him to see what I was seeing." Linda explained.

"I think you did a great job of it." Danny waited until they were at a stoplight to lean over and kiss her cheek. He had a good feeling about this weekend. He hoped it would linger around. He wanted to bring her back refreshed and with a better outlook. Once they came back, Danny wanted to spend the last four weeks enjoying his wife and children instead of worrying if his wife was even eating or sleeping that day. Danny hoped his plans would banish her nightmares of him leaving for good. That he would be able to show her just how much she meant to him. He hoped this would help erase her worries of being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. Danny squeezed his wife's hand as he drove them into the city. If nothing else, he hoped she'd at least be able to get some much needed rest.


	10. Chapter 10

Linda sat on the corner of the hotel room bed, "How did you get this deal again?" She was amazed. When Danny pulled up to the hotel she thought he was at the wrong place. They usually stayed somewhere nice when they got away in the city but never _this_ nice.  _This_ nice was reserved for special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays.  _This_ nice wasn't a casual weekend out.

"Detective from Narcotics owed me a favor and he knows a guy who knows a guy who got a good deal for me." Danny sat beside her, "I figured I'd put it to good use." Danny grinned.

Linda smiled, "This is nice. Thank you." She said softly. She felt as if she didn't deserve all the work Danny put in for this weekend.

"So, Mrs. Reagan. You have your choice. We have two options for the evening to pick from. One option is to stay in, order dinner, relax in the hot tub, spend a quiet evening together. The other one is a surprise. You just tell me which one. Option A or B." Danny put his arms around her waist.

"I think a quiet night tonight. It's been a long day and I would really like to just have some down time." Linda nodded her head.

Danny pressed a kiss to her cheek, "That sounds perfect." He grabbed the menu for room service, "Let's see what we're going to get. What are you in the mood for?" He asked his wife.

Linda looked the menu up and down, "Everything looks good." She could barely make up her mind. Everything on the menu sounded so delicious. Linda was having a hard time picking just one.

The couple spent a few minutes choosing their meal. While Danny ordered Linda took a few moments to look out over the city. She could feel butterflies in her stomach but she couldn't pinpoint the reason. She wasn't sure what Danny expected out of the weekend. If anything. She didn't want to upset him. She already felt bad enough because she forced him to take time off work. Linda wiped a stray tear away. She took a few deep breaths like Dr. Bennet had shown her at one of their sessions. When all the thoughts started to race Linda closed her eyes and thought of nothing. She took a deep breath in, held it, then let it out. After a few breaths her mind cleared and she could think without the added stress of fleeting thoughts. Danny walked over to his wife. He could see the wet trail from the few tears she'd cried. Danny put his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder, "You okay?" Linda nodded her head, not trusting her voice. Danny squeezed her tight, "You sure?"

"Yeah." Linda took a deep breath. She could tell Danny knew she was lying when she felt his lips on her shoulder. He left soft kisses there before moving to her neck, "I'm scared." Linda said honestly.

"Of what?" Danny was ready to face any monster she had in her head telling her danger was lurking around the corner or that she wasn't good enough.

Linda thought for a moment. How could she put into words what she wanted to say without hurting his feelings, "Of not being enough. Of not being the wife you want or the wife you deserve." Linda said, "I feel like I'm going to upset you. I don't want to disappoint you."

"Honey, you could never disappoint me." Danny held her close, "I promise."

"I want you to be happy." Linda swiped at her tears.

"You make me happy Linda. By just being with me. Every day I wake up with the thought of how lucky I am to be married to you. And how thankful I am that you are here." Danny kissed her cheek.

"Even if I tell you this weekend scares me?" She asked. 

Danny had prepared himself for this. When planning the weekend he'd thought about how she might react to some actual quiet time alone with him. He didn't like that she felt this way but he wasn't surprised, "Tell me what scares you." He gently said.

"You haven't seen all the stretch marks. And I still haven't lost all the weight. And I still haven't gotten in shape." Linda started to ramble her fears.

Danny listened letting her go until she ran out of steam. When she stopped talking he took her hand in his and wordlessly took her over to the mirror atop the long dresser, "What do you see in the mirror?" He asked standing behind her. Linda gave him a confused look, "Trust me. Just tell me what you see." He said.

Linda looked in the mirror, back to Danny, then back to the mirror, "I see you and me." She said.

"Tell me about you. What do you see when you see yourself?" He asked.

"I see a woman who went through three pregnancies. A woman who doesn't look half as good as she used to. She's heavier than she was before, out of shape. She's got three grey hairs already." Linda pointed them out, "A woman who just doesn't look good." Linda tried to explain.

"Do you know what I see?" He asked, "I see the mother of my children. The woman who carried our babies in her womb. Kept them healthy and alive until it was time for them to come into the world. I see a fighter. I see a woman who has gone though Hell and is still standing. I see the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life. And as the years go by I still look at you and think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I see a woman who is strong. A woman I'm proud to be married to. I see you're amazing eyes. And in your eyes I see every moment of our lives. I see my best friend. Someone who I can talk to about anything. Who I love unconditionally. Who I pray only the best things will happen to." Danny kissed her  neck, "Linda, I will never stop trying my best to make you see what I see. I still catch my breath when I see you look at me because I just can't believe that you wear my ring on your finger. That it's my name embedded into your skin." Danny traced over her tattoo softly with the tip of his finger, "I see the woman whose hand I want to hold for the rest of my life. I see the woman I want to go to bed next to and wake up next to forever. I see the only woman I could ever want. I will never stop choosing you above anyone else. You are my life, my love, my only. And that will never change." Danny ran his fingers down her sides and wrapped his arms around her pulling her back to his front tightly, "So you see Linda. I see so much when I look at you. I see everything and more." Danny kissed his way up her neck to her cheek where he tasted salty tears. Linda had started crying. She clung to every sweet word he said. There were few times she could remember Danny like this. When he proposed, when he wrote his own vows, when he came back from Iraq he'd gone on and on about how much he loved her. After she had Jack and then Sean. When she got shot he was always telling her how much she meant to him. Linda knew his thoughts and how much he loved her, but when he actually opened up and said them to her she couldn't stop the flood of tears. He didn't just see an old, frumpy, out of shape woman. To him, she was a treasure and he was going to make sure he would cherish her forever.


	11. Chapter 11

Linda couldn't help but feel self conscious. After dinner Danny and Linda had gone down to the pool where they had a hot tub for community use. Linda knew at this time it was probably pretty empty but that still didn't make her feel comfortable being in a bathing suit in front of strangers. She hated the extra pounds on her body. But Danny held her close and kept telling her she was beautiful, she tried to block out the negative thoughts with the positive she was experiencing.

Danny was currently in his own world of leaving small kisses around Linda's neck and tracing small circles, and shapes up and down her her sides, her belly, even her thighs.

"We should get one of these. " Linda sighed.

"You don't even like leaving the bath when the water has gone cold. I think you'd never leave a hot tub if we got one." Danny teased.

"Because this is relaxing. Sitting with you like this is very relaxing." She let her head roll back onto his shoulder.

"Good. I was hoping it would help you unwind." Danny grinned.

"I'm sorry I've been so stressed lately." Linda took a deep breath.

"Don't." Danny tilted his head to kiss her softly, "Don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I promise you. I love you."

Linda sniffled slightly, "I love you."

"Do you know what I realized the other day?" He grinned.

"What?" Linda shifted slightly.

"After the twins start daycare it's only three months until we've be married for a full twenty years." Danny smiled, "I can't wait." 

"That seems so soon." Linda said, "I mean I guess since it's already April but Grace's birthday comes up then too." She said knowing their anniversary was just days after Grace's birthday, "I should start thinking about that." 

"It's April." Danny smiled, "I wouldn't worry about it. We'll go to Dad and Pop's with cake and ice cream, do presents and stay away from the bees." He laughed.

"Poor Grace. She saw a picture in her animal book of a bee and pointed to it yelling 'no no' at it the other day." Linda smiled.

Danny held his wife close, "Good. She needs to learn to stay away from them."

Linda nodded her head, "Danny, thank you for this." 

"I'd do this every day for you. I'd do anything for you. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it." Danny kissed her cheek.

"Just keep holding me." She said quietly. That's all she needed. Was her husband's arms around her.

* * *

Back upstairs Linda sat in bed dressed only in one of Danny's old t shirts. When she didn't have to worry about kids barging in the bedroom that was her choice of sleepwear every time. It started as a habit when he was working late or not home that she'd wear his shirt to bed as a way to not feel so alone. Now it was the comfort of being compleetly surrounded by him that appealed to her. To know that she was his. In every sense. Danny always loved when she wore his t shirt. When she first started doing it he told her it was sexy. Now he still thought it was sexy but it also reminded him of how much Linda wanted him. If she didn't want him around she wouldn't steal his t shirts to wear to bed.

Linda slowly read the book she'd been trying to read for months but hadn't had the time or the interest in. Danny smiled seeing her reading. He took it as a good sign that she was getting interested in things again and not just wanting to sleep all day or crying all day long.

Danny slid into bed next to her, "Good book?" He asked.

Linda nodded her head, "It's okay. Not too far into it yet."

"So is it interesting?" Danny's hands wandered over Linda's body, tracing her tattoo, running up her spine, sliding up the back of the shirt she wore.

"Yeah. This woman is in a car accident and can't remember her husband and children. So he has to jog her memory but this guy that has been trying to get the wife to cheat on the husband with is messing with her memory saying she was divorcing him and leaving the kids to run off with him." Linda explained the love triangle and the plot. Danny kneaded a knot at the small of her back, "Keep doing that." She sighed.

Danny smiled, "Sounds like one of those TV movies you watch during the day I always come home to you crying about." He said as he massaged her back.

"Yeah well, all you ever read are those detective or cop stories, which honestly, don't you get enough of at work?" She asked.

"There's probably some type of sex scene in this book, which don't you get enough of at home?" Danny teased.

"Not like this." Linda laughed softly. Danny paused his hands. He hadn't heard her laugh since before the babies were born. He must be doing something right. He prayed this was a turning point her her.

"What do you mean not like that?" Danny asked wanting to know how he needed to step up his intimacy, "Let me see that." Danny slid the book from her fingers. He flipped through the chapter, "Okay this right here isn't even possible. No one is that comfortable in the back seat of a sedan." He pointed out. Danny flipped a few more pages, "And this. Doing that while you have a loaded gun strapped to your ankle is just plain stupid." Danny heard Linda laugh again, "And look over here it says they are on a cement floor in a garage hiding out. Who thinks that's comfortable for anyone?"

Linda grabbed the book back, "I never said I  _wanted_ sex like this. I just said that we  _don't_ have sex like this. And I never said it was a good or bad thing." She grinned. Danny's comments were the first things she could remember laughing about in a long time.

"Well for the record, I'm very happy with our sex life." He kissed her lips sweetly. Danny went back to giving his wife a back massage. He ran his hands up under the back of her shirt to rub her back and work his way down.

"Me too." Linda blushed. If she was being honest, she was happy with it. As far as in the mood for it that was another question with another answer.

"You know. We don't have any kids or any time we have to wake up tomorrow." Danny trailed his fingers up her ribs sending goosebumps all over her.

"I know but I'm not really in the mood for it." Linda looked down hoping she didn't disappoint him.

"Okay." Danny kissed her shoulder and started kneading her back once again.

"Okay? Just...okay?" Linda asked. 

Danny nodded his head, "It's always been okay." He replied, "I'd like to know why because I'd like to help put your mind at ease. I can tell something bothers you about sex lately and I can't figure it out. I'd like to do what I can to help you work through that but I'm not going to push you. Ever." He kissed her cheek.

Linda chewed her bottom lip for a moment. She wondered if she should tell him she's terrified that she's not good enough for him anymore. That she can't compensate for having such a hard time adjusting to life with two new babies. That she is afraid if he doesn't like what he see's about her body in a certain angle or light he wouldn't want to sleep with her. Linda hung her head feeling tears in her eyes. She was laughing five minutes ago. Now the feeling of sadness was upon her again. She felt Danny put the book aside and pull her to lie down with him.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, "I love you. And if you're not up for sex then that's okay. If you think I'm upset or anything, I'm not. This weekend wasn't to have a dirty weekend in the city like we usually do. This was just for you to get some breathing room away from the kids. This weekend is for you. I'm just here to love and support you." Danny wiped the few tears that fell away.

"I don't want to..." Linda took a deep breath, "I don't want you to see me and think I'm ugly. I don't want you to realize that's one more thing I'm not good at. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want you to not want me anymore." She whispered.

Danny frowned, "I will always want you. I love you. You're beautiful. And you could never disappoint me. Ever. Linda you're the only woman I ever want to sleep with."

"I'm the only woman you've  _ever_ slept with." Linda said.

Danny nodded his head, "That's true but I don't need anyone else to know how amazing sex is with you. I don't need anyone else to know that you are the only woman I ever want to have sex with. Trust me when I say there is no way you could be bad at it." Danny smiled, "You're gorgeous. You're sexy. You're beautiful." Danny kissed her lips, "I love you Linda and when you're ready I'll show you exactly how much I love every inch of you." Danny said.

"You really think all that?" Linda rolled onto her back to look up at her husband.

"Yes. I do." Danny said.

Linda took his hand in hers fiddling with his wedding band a bit, "Can we take our time?" She was nervous. Not because she didn't trust Danny but because she didn't know what to expect. It had been a while and her body had changed. Sharing a bath at home was one thing or changing in the same room. But this felt like so much more. Especially with the nightmares she recalled so vividly.

"As much time as you need." Danny squeezed her hand.

Linda slid her arms around Danny's neck pulling him towards her, "Okay." She nodded her head. Linda sighed as Danny kissed her slowly. She felt a weight lift off her chest she hadn't realized was there. She felt like she could finally start to breathe again. Linda hoped this would turn things in a better direction. She didn't feel so much like drowning anymore. She finally felt like she'd make it.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Linda woke up the next morning tangled up with Danny. Her head was on his bare chest with his leg thrown over her. Linda glided her finger tips up and down his ribs lost in thought until he spoke quietly.

"That tickles you know." He said half-asleep.

Linda smirked, "Sorry." She flattened her hand on his chest.

"No you're not." He grinned.

"Not really." She pressed a kiss to his chest, "I slept all night." She said. Linda was surprised to see the sun peeking in the curtains when she woke up. She hardly ever slept all night without waking up anymore.

"Good." Danny wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close, "I'm glad. You needed sleep."

"Thanks to you." Linda said.

Danny smiled, "How do you feel?" He asked gently prying for more information.

"Better. Better than I've felt in a long time." She propped herself up on one elbow, "I'm still anxious. I'm scared of begin along with the twins and Grace. That's a lot to handle but I feel like I can think clearer." She explained, "There's less noise and I can figure things out. Like what needs to be done first." She tried to find the right words for how her mind felt better, "I feel like I can breathe again when beore I felt like I was suffocating."

Danny kissed her lips, "Good. Because that's entirely what I was trying to help you do." He smiled.

"Well Detective Reagan, your plan worked well." Linda said to him.

Danny grinned, "Only because I had a great nurse." 

"Well this nurse is hungry so how does breakfast sound?" She asked.

Danny's eyes lit up. Linda was suggesting food instead of picking at it like she'd done over the past few weeks, "Let's order breakfast." He grabbed for the menu handing it to Linda first. He could see the bags under her eyes going away. How even her skin looked like it glowed more. Danny hoped the rest of their weekend would go just as well.

* * *

Linda was so thankful she married Danny Reagan. He stood by her when most men would have ran. He stuck through her yelling at him for not helping with the kids, (which wasn't true at all), to her crying because there wasn't bread to make a sandwich for Grace, to hearing her say things like she would be better off dead. He didn't fight with her. He listened and helped her work through her problem at the time. He held her while she cried. Told her he loved her. Banished her nightmares with his words. Loved her when she thought no one could ever. Showered her with affection and love. Yes, Linda Reagan was a lucky woman. The weekend away had done wonders for her mental health. It was the break she needed to just be with her husband. Saturday night while they lay in bed together Linda had told Danny a lot of her anxiety stemmed from not knowing what to do next and which kid to take care of and which baby to tend to. So Danny helped her set a basic schedule in her phone for every weekday. Danny and Linda up forty-five minutes before the kids usually got up. This would give them time for a coffee and some time together in the morning. Kids up while Danny got ready for work. Then Danny would handle breakfast while Linda got ready for work. Then Sean off to school and Danny to work. Linda and the kids to daycare. Linda to work. After picking the little ones up, they'd all have a snack while she made dinner. After Danny was home they figured thirty minutes for Linda to do whatever she wanted while Danny spent time with the kids. They traded who put who to bed on certain nights. Danny knew it wouldn't always work this way. Sean's football practice would get in the way, cases that kept Danny from home would intervene but the task of setting the schedule gave Linda the feeling of having a plan. And that's what she needed. A bare basic plan to fall back on when everything started to spin out of control.

Danny kissed the back of her hand as they parked on the street at Frank's house. They were meeting the family for Sunday dinner then taking their family home early to spend time with them. Linda didn't realize how much she missed her babies until they were on the way home.

When they walked into the house the first person they saw was Erin, who was chopping vegetables in the kitchen, "Hey you two!" She smiled, "How was your mini-vacation?"

"It was good." Linda smiled, "We needed that." 

"It looks like it." Erin grinned, "You look happy."

"I am. I think I just needed to be reminded of how lucky I am and how much I'm loved." Linda sat at one of the bar stools at the kitchen island.

"That was the plan." Danny kissed her cheek. He took a beer out of the fridge for himself, "Where are the kids?" He asked.

"Out back with Pop, Jamie and Dad." Erin said, "Pop said it was a warm enough day to go outside finally and I'm pretty sure Jamie has his gun so he can shoot any bee that thinks it's going near Grace. I asked about it and he just answered with protection."

Linda laughed, "I guess it's good to know she's being taken care of." Linda looked around the kitchen, "Need any help?" She asked.

"Sure. If you want to check the chicken that would be great." Erin smiled.

Jack walked into the kitchen with Sam in his arms who was clearly hungry, "Look who it is! That's Dad. You can see him now." Jack handed Sam to his father, "I love him. But he cries. A lot."

"He's always hungry." Danny kissed Sam's head, "Okay okay. Don't freak out. I'm making a bottle." Danny put his beer down and gave Sam his bottle from the diaper bag that was on the counter, "There. Are we better now?" Danny bounced his baby boy gently, "Mommy and I missed you. Yes we did."

"Here. She wants one too." Jack carried Faith in the kitchen who had started wailing too.

Linda took her little girl, "What's wrong baby girl?" Jack gave his mom Faith's bottle and left with a big sigh of relief, "Were they fussy all weekend?" Linda asked Erin wondering if something was wrong with them.

"They were normal babies. Except Sam. Nothing makes him happy except a bottle." Erin teased, "But they were fine. I think it was a  _great_ birth control lesson for Sean, Jack and Nicky though. Let's see what are the highlight. Sean was playing hide and seek with Grace and couldn't find her for three hours. Pop found her standing in the middle of the room because she doesn't know how to play so Pop hid her under his bed and laid next to it so she wasn't scared then they both fell asleep. But it  _was_ fun watching Dad panic for a little bit." Erin laughed, "Sam hates everything except bottles. I've come to realize he just wants to eat. At all times. Little miss Faith was perfect. She stayed quiet and happy most of the time. And Nicky painted Grace's nails. It's kid safe paint if she sticks her fingers in her mouth. It's some non-toxic baby nail polish Nicky found at the store so they did baby nail polish together. It's on her toes too." Erin reported the weekend, "Jack and Sean were fine."

"You were a good baby? You're always a good baby." Linda kissed Faith's head, "I missed them." She held her daughter close.

"Was it helpful?" Frank walked into the room.

Linda nodded her head, "Yes it was. Very much so."

"Then it was worth it." Frank sat next to Linda, "I owe you an apology. Both of you actually. I realized over the weekend how hard it can be to take care of five kids even if two are old enough to take care of themselves because they are boys and they do stupid things like play hide and seek with a one and a half year old. The twins don't sleep all night and don't wake up or go back to sleep together. So I can only imagine how much sleep deprivation you are experiencing. I may not ever see eye to eye on this medication, mental health issue but I can be big enough to understand that if it's what helps and what works for you then that's what you need to do. Just because I raised my family one way doesn't mean every Reagan will be raised the same way. Not with how this world is these days. And I never want any Reagan, blood, adopted or married in to feel like they aren't just as important to me as the rest of them. Linda, I apologize. I'm an old man. And I'm stuck in my ways for things. But I still have a few things to learn about. One being letting go of controlling everything that happens within this family." Frank said honestly.

"Thank you Frank." Linda smiled, "I'm not asking you to see eye to eye. Just to not judge and don't push me out because you don't agree with it." She said softly.

"You'll never get pushed out." Frank hugged Linda, "You'll always be family. You'll always be welcome with open arms and we will all do our part to help when you need us."

Danny had been ready to defend his wife the second he thought his dad stepped out of line. He was happily surprised to see Frank pull his head out of his ass and at least try and see things from their perspective. He'd have to drop off five kids more often if it changed Frank's mind on things.

 


	13. Chapter 13

The next few weeks of Danny's time off and before Linda started her new position flew by. Linda had been getting better at coping when things got too hard. She made sure she had some time alone every day even if it was after the kids went to sleep or before they got up. She'd bring the swings or playpen outside and let the twins play while she read her book and watched Grace run around in the back yard. The sun shining bright helped lift her mood when she was feeling down. Danny didn't want to abruptly change everything at once so the week before he was 'officially' due back he went back to work part time. This left Linda with the twins from almost seven in the morning to almost one in the afternoon accounting for travel time. Linda managed well after the first day of struggling to keep the babies from screaming all day. By happy accident she found Journey soothed both of the babies by listening to some commercial on TV. After that Linda just kept playing the same Pandora play list when she could only tend to one while the other was fussing. Danny had come home twice that week to Faithfully playing on repeat from Linda's phone in the nursery while she was in the kitchen making bottles while holding one of the babies.

Linda was nervous on her first day back to work after the twins. The St. Vincent's clinic was much slower paced than the ER and had regular hours. Linda would lug all three kids to daycare before work and pick them up after work. Sean begged his parents to let him stay home alone. It was only a few hours from the time he got home till his mom was home and he was the same age Jack was when Jack stayed home alone. So with strict rules in place they agreed to see how things went but come summer he was going to have to go to Henry's for the day or a friends house unless Jack was home from school. Danny and Linda didn't like one kid alone all day, it didn't matter which kid it was. Boys and too much alone time never equaled a good answer.

Linda walked into the clinic to find her first patent of the day. She walked over to the curtain area. Linda was surprised to see Danny and Beaz there. Danny was sitting on the gurney with a square gauze pad to his head, "What did you do?" 

"I told you she was going to yell at you." Beaz grinned.

"I didn't do anything. Someone else did this to me." Danny said.

"Danny." Linda sighed, "We have an ER next door for things like this." She pulled his hand and the gauze away. She winced at the deep gash above his eye, "Sit still, you need stitches." She said. Linda cleaned the wound and put a bit of antiseptic on it, "Don't move."

"It hurts." Danny said.

"Then you shouldn't have gotten cut like this." She quipped.

"I'll let the next perp know that my wife said he can't hit me." Danny grinned.

"Damn Reagan. Is he always like this for medical procedures?" Beaz asked Linda.

Linda laughed, "You should have seen him the first time he needed stitches." Linda grinned. She quickly stitched up the cut above his eye and bandaged it, "Can you be careful at work please?"

"But then I wouldn't be able to see you're beautiful face." He flirted.

"You can see it at home. You don't need to come into the clinic oozing blood to see me." Linda kissed just over his cut, as she would Grace if she needed a band-aid.

"How is your first day?" He asked.

"Good. You're my first patent. It's much quieter here than the ER." She commented.

"Is that good or bad?" Danny squeezed her hand.

"I don't know yet." Linda said honestly. Beaz stepped away to take a phone call. Judging by her body language they were headed back to work, "Now please be careful."

Danny hugged her, "I'll be home tonight."

"You better be." Linda kissed her husband. He walked her back to the front desk, "I love you." She said to him.

"Love you more." Danny grinned.

"Love you the most." Linda watched as he and his partner left for work. If that was the worst case of the day she'd be able to handle it all.

* * *

Two weeks after her first day back at work Linda felt like everything was crumbling once again. It all started with Sean. He'd come home from school early one day because he got sick after lunch. The following evening Grace got the same thing. Linda tried to keep the babies away but when Sam spiked a fever she knew they would get sick too. She called out of work for the week to juggle sick kids. Once Sean was feeling better he was sent to his Grandfather's house so he wouldn't get sick again. Plus it was one less kid Linda had to handle. Grace passed through the illness relatively well. For being so sick when she was an infant, Linda was prepared to rush her daughter to the ER. But it wasn't that daughter that would need the trip. Linda woke up one night hearing labored breathing over the baby monitor. She rushed into the nursery to see little Faith gasping for air. Linda took one look at her and yanked her from the crib. Linda ran into her bedroom where Danny was sound asleep.

"Danny! Call nine-one-one!" Linda yelled. She grabbed her work bag looking for anything she could use to try and help her baby breathe.

Danny's eyes popped open hearing Linda yell at him, "What!? Oh my God!? What happened?!" He saw his daughter struggling to breathe on the floor beside his wife.

"Call nine-one-one! I need a nebulizer to help her!" Linda took out her stethoscope to see if Grace's lung had collapsed and hear for any rattling in her chest.

Danny quickly called a bus relaying all the information, more than once telling them it was  _his_ daughter and the PC's granddaughter. While Linda tried to help Faith breathe, Danny got a hold of Jamie who was working a night shift. He told Jamie he needed someone to watch Sam and Grace so he could go to the ER with Faith and Linda. Jamie and Eddie arrived just after the ambulance. Linda watched in horror as the paramedics whisked Faith out of the bedroom. Danny joined Linda in the ambulance barely saying one word to Jamie other than he'd call him in a bit.

At the ER Linda paced back and forth as the pediatrician on call worked on Faith.

"I didn't notice. I didn't notice when she went to sleep that her fever was going back up. I gave her the Tylenol and I didn't notice it wasn't working." Linda sniffled. 

Danny shook his head, "Linda, this isn't your fault."

"I'm a nurse Danny! How can my baby go into respiratory distress when I'm a nurse?" Linda wrapped her arms around herself, "Some mother I am."

Danny got up from his seat and put his arms around his wife stopping her from moving, "You got her help. As soon as you knew she needed yet. You're an excellent mother." 

Linda shook her head, "She could have died."

"But she didn't." The pediatrician said from behind Linda, "She's okay."

"Katie, what happened?" Linda asked the doctor she knew well from work.

"Her fever spiked, caused a febrile seizure which messed with her breathing. Her body went into overdrive and over compensated for it. So the nebulizer worked well, I'll send one home with you. You know the drill Pulmicort twice a day and Albuterol every four hours until she's feeling better. And as far as feeling like a crappy mom, I'm the single mom of only one kid. I'm a pediatrician and I've had to call poison control three times on my own kid. Once when he was only six months old. He's only four. That's like once a year he's eaten something poisonous. He swallowed a penny a week ago and it got stuck in his throat and I had to come make sure it wasn't going to kill him. Oh and he stuck the foam from a mattress topper up his nose so far it gave him a bloody nose and I had to use tweezers to get it out. So if you think you're a bad mom for not seeing you kids seizure while you were sleeping, God only knows what mom I am. This is like kid number four, maybe five. Honestly, the fact that this  _hasn't_ happened yet is more surprising than it actually occurring. She should be good to go home in an hour or so. We just want to watch her fever a bit." The pediatrician smiled.

"Thanks Katie." Linda watched her coworker leave.

"See. Everyone has moments where they miss things. You couldn't have seen this coming." Danny tried to console her.

"I just keep thinking what if I didn't hear her?" Linda started to cry.

"But you did. And you saved her. Like a good mommy." Danny held his wife, "Let's go see our little girl." He guided a sobbing Linda down the hall to Faith's room. He held Linda close while she cried and apologized over and over to Faith for not being a better mother. Danny hoped this wouldn't set Linda too far back

 


	14. Chapter 14

Linda obsessed over Faith the next few day. She regularly checked her daughter's breathing over and over again. Tonight, Danny had even come home to Linda half-asleep in the rocking chair in the nursery with her stethoscope around her neck.

Danny crept into the nursery, "Linda." He gently woke his wife, "C'mon. You've got to get some sleep in bed." He urged her to move.

"I can't hear her in bed." Linda shook her head, "I need to be able to hear her." Linda was so exhausted, when she stood she stumbled. 

Danny caught her arm, "You need sleep Linda. You've been up for days." 

Linda shook her head. She put her stethoscope on to listen to Faith's breathing. Danny put his hand on his wife's back, "She's okay."

Linda cried, "No. No what if she's not?" Linda wiped her tears.

"Why don't you just come sit with me for a while and you can come back and check on her in a little bit?" Danny tried just to get Linda out of the room. He practically had to drag her from the twins bedroom. Linda sniffled all the way to their bedroom. She paced back and forth while listening to the monitor, "Linda." Danny put his hand's on Linda's shoulders to stop her from moving.

"Danny, what if she can't breathe?" Linda's eyes welled with tears.

Honey. She's okay. You just checked on her. She had her nebulizer treatment earlier when I talked to you on the way home. She's going to be just fine." Danny said softly.

"What if she's not?" Linda closed her eyes, "She has to be okay Danny. She just has to be. I'm a nurse. Her breathing should have never gotten that bad."

Danny hugged his wife tight, "But the second you knew she was in trouble you did what any good mother, not just nurse, what any good mother would do. You got her help. You saved her." Danny kissed Linda's cheek, "Why don't you get some rest?"

Linda shook her head, "What if she needs me and I'm not there?"

"You'll always be there. Because you are a good mother who will always do the best for children." Danny said softly, "Why don't you lay down? Just for a little bit?" Danny suggested, "I'll lay with you." Danny pulled Linda towards their bed, "Lay down with me." He tugged at her hand.

"I'll lay down. But I can't sleep." Linda curled up next to Danny.

"Close your eyes." Danny kissed her forehead, "Just rest." Linda was so exhausted she'd fallen asleep in less than five minutes with Danny gently rubbing her back. She was so tired she didn't shift while Danny slipped out of bed to change. He checked on the babies before climbing back into bed with his wife. Faith was getting over her flu and should be feeling better by Sunday dinner. Danny hoped Linda would feel better soon too. He hated seeing her so upset. Especially because this wasn't her fault. There was no way she'd have been able to prevent Faith from going to the ER three nights ago. Danny wrapped her in his arms praying she'd sleep through the night.

* * *

Danny got off early from work one day. He was going to surprise Linda by coming home without telling her. When he opened the front door he grinned. Linda had the radio on while she was cleaning the kitchen. Danny leaned against the door frame with a smile watching his wife make a bottle while Faith was in the soft carrier on her chest.

Linda looked over at Danny, "Look what I found out." Linda smiled, "She loves this thing." Linda grinned, "She wouldn't stop fussing earlier so I pulled this out and she fell right to sleep in it. I've washed the dishes, cleaned up after lunch and she just started to wake up. So I've been able to make her bottle and myself a coffee with her in here." 

Danny nodded his head, "That's good. Grace go off to daycare alright?" He asked. 

"Sam too. They were both feeling better so I sent them both." Linda kissed her husband hello, "You're home early."

"Closed the case and I knew Faith still wasn't feeling the best so I thought I'd just head home and see how you two were." Danny grinned, "Want me to feed her so you can get an hour or so before Sean gets home?" He offered.

Linda shook her head, "You can feed her but I'd like to sit with the two of you." Linda smiled.

Danny carefully took Faith out of the carrier, "C'mere little girl. Want to eat?" He asked.

"Here." Linda handed him the bottle, "I'm happy you're home." Linda followed her husband to the couch.

"I'm happy to see you happy." Danny shifted to hold Faith in one arm while feeding her.

"I am happy." Linda said, "Faith is feeling a lot better today. I think Monday she will be okay to go to daycare." 

"Which means you'll go back to work?" Danny asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Yeah. I'll be back at work Monday morning." Linda watched Danny feed Faith her bottle, "I'm okay. A bit tired but I slept well this morning after dropping Grace and Sam off. Faith took a good morning nap and then when she started to fuss after lunch she fell asleep again. But she hasn't had a fever since yesterday and she's breathing normal without any problems." Linda said, "I'm just happy she's okay."

"Me too. I'm glad you both are okay." Danny leaned over and kissed his wife's lips.

Linda nodded her head, "Some days are better than others but there's more good days than bad lately."

"And when the days get bad you'll let me know?" Danny asked carefully.

"Yeah. I'll let you know." Linda promised. Linda watched Danny feed Faith her bottle. She still felt guilty that Faith had ever been that sick in the first place but Danny had helped her realize that it was an accident. That she couldn't have known about Faith's fever getting so high while she slept. Linda sat next to her husband and daughter. It took a long time, but she felt like maybe, with the right help, she'd be able to do this. That maybe, she'd be able to be the mother she had wanted to be while pregnant with Faith and Sam.

 


	15. Chapter 15

Two months passed since the scare with Faith. Linda was going over the list of things she needed to prepare for Grace's party. Danny had spoiled her by getting her a Disney Princess Power Wheels Quad ride on for in the back yard. Linda had no idea he'd gotten one to go with the rest of the gifts they'd picked up until she saw it in the back of the car on their way to Frank's house for Grace's party.

"Is that why you told Jack to take Sean and Grace in the car while we took the twins?" She asked. Linda thought Danny just didn't want Grace to see the balloons he'd hidden in the car that morning.

"Yeah. You really can't wrap that thing." He parked the car on the side of the street.

"I can't believe you did that." Linda laughed, "She's going to love it."

Danny smiled. He took Sam out of his car seat while Linda took Faith. At about five and a half months old both babies hated being in their car seats. Faith was all over the place. Rolling from side to side, trying to crawl, trying to wiggle her way around while Sam was content with tummy time and a few things to chew on that he could grasp. They carried the babies up the steps into the house.

"Now can I start the grill?" Jack sighed. Henry had promised to let Jack do most of the grilling burgers with supervision today. Jack was itching to turn it on.

"Just wait a little bit." Danny smiled.

Grace was in the kitchen with Nicky looking at her Paw Patrol cake. When Linda was looking for what to put on the cake Grace had grabbed her Chase the police pup. She put it in front of her Mommy and barked loudly. Linda had taken it as a sign and gotten her a birthday cake with all the Paw Patrol pups. Linda watched as Grace was enamored with anything to do with police. She was even wearing her shiny police badge her Grandpa had given her when she went to one-PP to visit one day. Linda had found a shirt for her to wear at her party that had the number '2' inside a badge on it along with a cartoon girl police officer and a radio car.

Linda placed the twins in the playpen outside in the yard while Danny and Jamie got the gifts from the car and inside the house. Erin sat down beside Linda, "She's so big."

"She's just growing up so fast. And she's so much like Danny. She is so in love with her Daddy. She can be throwing a tantrum and screaming about the juice being in the wrong cup but all he has to do it pick her up, wipe her eyes and it's like a light switch. She is Daddy's little girl." Linda grinned, "The other day I'm in the kitchen while Grace is outside with Sean. She's was playing on the little swing set. That plastic one Jamie sent over." Linda said referring to the toddler swing set Jamie had found at a yard sale at a good price. He came over one day and surprised Danny and Linda with it. It had holes on the sides the kids could climb up, a 'hideout' underneath the slide, and two swings the twins would be able to use once they could sit up a little better, "She's climbing up the slide and somehow she got a scrape. Sean brings her inside and she's crying so I clean it up and go to put a band-aid on it but she refused to let me do anything unless she talked to Daddy first. Threw herself on the floor until I Face-timed him at work."

Erin laughed, "You remember two years old with the boys. She's your first girl and will be so much more dramatic. She only says select words but she knows what she wants."

"Yeah. No kidding." Linda grinned, "When we are out with the twins and her she tells everyone 'my baby' and points to them. Like thy are  _hers_."

"That's adorable!" Erin said.

"What's adorable?" Danny sat on the arm of Linda's deck chair.

"Grace calling the twins her baby." Linda said, "How do you plan on hiding that thing until it's time for presents?"

"I'm just hoping she will be too distracted by playing." Danny sipped the beer he'd been drinking.

Linda's heart sunk hearing Grace yell, "Sean!" Linda yelled at who was closest to her. Danny was ready to run to his daughter not knowing why she was yelling.

"No no!" Grace wagged a finger in the air, "NO!"

Sean was laughing hysterically, "She's fine! Grace! That's not  a bee! That's a fly! That one can't hurt you."

Linda looked over to see Grace yelling at the large black fly that was near her head, "At least she knows bugs that fly are bad even if she is confused." 

"Between Grace yelling at a fly and you freaking out over a spider yesterday I don't know who is worse." Danny shook his head.

"Danny that spider was  _huge!_ AND I didn't see it until it was an inch in front of my eyes." Linda looked up at him.

"It was a daddy long legs. It wasn't going to do anything but crawl on you. And I woke up ready to shoot someone." Danny countered.

Erin laughed at her brother and sister-in-law, "What happened?" She asked.

"I'm sound asleep and wake up to her next to me screaming." Danny said.

"And I woke up to a spider right here." Linda pointed to her glasses, "I was startled." Linda laughed.

Danny smirked, "I'm hoping Faith didn't inherit that. I can't do three women freaking out over bugs."

"Faith is going to be like you. She already doesn't stop moving." Linda looked over at her daughter in the playpen trying to wiggle around in a circle, "It's funny because Sam is the opposite. Give that baby a binky and a toy and he will lay still for hours with those two things. But Faith, she needs toys and constant attention. I have found that she loves the carrier though. So a lot of times I'll put her in that if I need to do things because she wants to be with me while Sam is happy in the playpen while I run down to switch laundry or clean." Linda said.

"I think she just likes being near you." Danny smiled, "She's much calmer around you."

"Yeah well, so are you." Linda teased, "More proof that she's like you." Danny grinned. He watched happily as his wife enjoyed the day. He watched his daughter blow out her candles excitedly and squeal at the top of her lungs when she saw her Power Wheels ride-on. Danny enjoyed the time spent with his family. He couldn't wait to surprise Linda next week for their anniversary. He knew how hard things had been for her. He hoped his surprise would help he see just how much he loved her.


	16. Chapter 16

Danny Reagan had never really been what most woman would call romantic. He kept his emotions in check and didn't offer up his feelings willingly. However, when Linda came along she somehow found the one tiny hole in his steel wall. When it came to Linda it was if she could melt the metal. The morning of their twentieth anniversary Danny had told Linda that he'd been called into work. He had a case that was linked to a high profile case he'd worked a few months ago with Beaz. There was no way around it. He had to go in. Danny even got Frank to call Danny and yell at him over the phone about catching the perp. What he didn't tell her was that the perp didn't exist. It was all a charade so he could catch her off-guard later on. He told her to send the kids to daycare like she usually would, Jack and Sean had plans with friends but that she could take the day and head to the spa. Erin was home alone all day and she'd love to go with Linda for the day. At least then Linda wouldn't be alone all day. He promised he'd be home for dinner even if he had to go back to work after. Danny kissed his wife goodbye and started working on the surprise. 

Danny had gotten  _everyone_ involved in it. From the whole Reagan clan, to their church, to co-workers of his and Linda's. He'd even tried to get in touch with Jimmy and Wendy. But after telling them about it, they both declined to be a part of it. Danny wished for Linda's sake they would have said yes. He just hoped she'd still enjoy her anniversary surprise.

* * *

 

Linda grumbled through her morning routine with the kids. She dropped the three little ones at daycare and headed to her sister-in-laws. Danny was supposed to be home. They had made plans. He was going to treat her to a day at the spa, then a matinee movie, dinner together with no kids, and then an evening with no kids. Jack and Sean were staying with friends and Frank and Henry were supposed to pick up the little ones. But that plan flew out the window whe Frank called at six in the morning to tell Danny he  _had_ to work a case.

Linda knocked on Erin's apartment door, "Hey!" She smiled.

"Morning! I'm just finishing breakfast. You want anything?" Erin asked letting Linda come in.

"I ate with the kids. But thanks." She sat at the table while Erin picked up the kitchen and gathered her things, "I know Danny's job is important but when this happens it sucks. We've been married twenty years today. And he's working." Linda sighed. She wasn't really mad at him. She was more just annoyed with the situation as a whole.

"I know. But on the plus side the spa is paid for so it's all his treat. I say we get some wine to sip after the massage. And I want to find out more about this hot stone massage I read about online. It looks interesting." Erin grinned. Her part was to keep Linda occupied for the day. She hoped she could keep Linda's spirits up while hiding Danny's surprise.

"What is that?" Linda googled on her phone about the massage Erin was talking about as they walked back down to Erin's car. Because Linda's was bigger, to fit all the kids, it made more sense for Erin to drive for the day. Besides, Erin knew the plan and knew what to avoid, "Huh. That looks like a good massage." Linda said reading about it, "We should try it."

When they got to the spa they decided what they'd do for the day. Linda wanted her a pedicure and manicure while Erin was going to take a thirty minute sauna session. Linda loved the massage. The hot stones placed on her back helps relieve all the muscle tension she had. She felt so much more relaxed than a regular massage. She made a mental note to do it the next time she got a massage. When it was time for her manicure and pedicure she chose a simple classy design for both to match. Nude color polish with white floral detailing on the tips of her nails.

After getting lunch at the spa while they sat in white fluffy robes and drank their complementary champagne they went for a waxing and the salon. Linda had been wanting her hair trimmed for weeks. The split ends were always flying away and she just kept getting frustrated with it.

Linda and Erin caught an early movie. The latest romantic comedy that was playing. Even though the day was  _supposed_ to be spent with her husband, Linda had to admit she was having a good 'girls day' with Erin.

After the movie Linda and Erin were walking back to Erin's car when sirens started blaring from every direction. Linda didn't have time blink as police cars, marked and unmarked, squealed to a stop surrounding her and Erin. Even blocking off the street. Linda's first thought was that someone had been hurt. Hurt so bad that Frank or Danny or Jamie sent every unit available to find Linda and Erin.

Then Linda was confused as she saw Danny step out of the closest sedan. Frank was a car behind him and Jamie was on the other side of Erin. NYPD from all the cars filtered out onto the street filling it in a sea of uniforms.

"Linda Reagan." Danny said in his most official voice he could manage without smiling. Linda tried to find words to say but was too confused. Erin was no help. She'd slipped off to the side with her hand over her mouth to stop the spread of her smile from ear to ear. Danny walked over and stood in front of Linda, "Linda Reagan." He flashed her a smile. Danny took her right hand in his. He gave it a light squeeze before dropping to one knee. He pulled a ring box from his jacket pocket and popped it open, "You have the right to remain loved. Every moment of every day until my last breath. Anything you say can and will be kept in my heart forever. Every moment with you is burned into my memory. Every day of our lives together is a moment I don't ever want to forget. You have the right to a husband to be present during every moment of your life. To have a family surround you with love. To have a husband who will unconditionally love and support you. You have the right to have a husband who will stay by your side, through everything. The right to a husband who will always love you. No matter what. A husband who will never look away from you. A husband who thinks you are the most amazing, gorgeous woman he's ever seen. A husband who is proud of how strong you are. The right to a husband who will love you with every part of him. The right to a husband who will forever take care of you, protect you, love you. The right to a husband who believes his entire world revolves around you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"

Linda couldn't breathe. She couldn't speak. She blushed deep red as Danny spoke. The ring he held in the box was white gold with a heart shaped diamond in the center. It was flanked by eight stones, four on each side. When Linda looked a bit closer she realized that from left to right it was the birthstones of Sam, Faith, Grace, Sean, Jack, Linda and Danny. The last stone after Danny was the August gemstone since that was the month they got married. Linda nodded her head when Danny asked if she understood the 'rights'.

Danny grinned. He could tell she was stunned, "You have to  _say_ yes or no." He told her.

Linda giggled, "Yes. I understand." She couldn't stop the smile on her face.

"Mrs. Reagan. A long time ago, while drinking a bit too much, I recall, I promised you that when we were married for twenty years I'd still want to marry you. I promised I'd do it all over again and I'd propose to you again. So here I am, making good on that promise. I love you Linda. With all my heart and soul. I can never imagine a life without you. You are the only woman I could ever love. The only woman I ever _want_ to love. You are my perfect love. My only. My forever. You still get my heart racing when I see you look at me. You are the most important person to me and there's nothing I won't do for you. Will you do me the honor renewing our vows in front of family, friends and God? Will you commit to a lifetime with me at your side, to protect you, to love you, to cherish you, all over again? Linda, will you marry me again?" Danny asked as he watched his wife cry happy tears.

Linda couldn't stop the tears from falling. Danny Reagan was in the middle of a sidewalk in the city with a team of officers behind him and the whole Reagan family. Linda swore she even saw Jack, Sean and Nicky with Henry. As Danny spoke she felt her heart beat louder and faster. This was one of the most romantic things she could ever remember him doing in the whole time they were dating. Linda nodded her head, "Oh Danny. I love you. Yes. I will marry you again. I'd say 'I do' over and over again for the rest of my life."

Danny slipped the ring on her right ring finger and rose to his feet kissing Linda at little too heavily for being in public. Neither one cared. All that matter was the two of them in their own bubble at the moment. Linda wrapped her arms around Danny's neck holding him as close as possible while he pulled her to him. Linda couldn't believe how lucky she was. This was the perfect way to spend her twentieth anniversary. Being proposed to once again by the love of her life.


	17. Chapter 17

Danny had whisked Linda off with him after everyone congratulated them and told Linda how Danny had orchestrated the whole thing while pulling a few favors from friends in other departments to shut down the street for him to propose to his wife.

Linda couldn't stop looking at her new ring. When Danny had put it on he was sure to slid it with the point of the heart facing towards Linda, "I still can't believe you did that." She smiled at him from the passenger seat. She had no idea where they were going but she didn't really care. She was still in total shock.

"Some things are worth saying twice." He squeezed her hand.

"So when do we do this vow renewal?" She asked wondering what else Danny had planned.

"I was thinking today's a good day for us." He smiled, "I may have had some help getting things together. Dad and Pop's had a good connection with someone at the Palm and we booked a private room for dinner." Danny explained, "We are headed home for just long enough for you and I to get dressed. Then we have to meet everyone at the Palm for the renewal and then dinner."

"What am I going to wear? What are the kids going to wear?" Linda started to ramble.

"Honey. I took care of it. Erin and Nicky helped with the girls dresses and I found yours. The boys all have suits and ties. Even Sam. When Nicky and Erin were looking for the girls they found a little suit for Sam with a tiny bow tie." Danny smiled. Danny parked in their driveway. He ran around the car before Linda had the chance to open the door to open it for her. Once inside Linda noticed a vase of roses on the dining room table that hadn't been there when she left. There were also a few smaller flower arraignments around the living room, even a single rose on the kitchen counter.

"How did you get those here?" She pointed in wonder.

"We have two boys who were very helpful bringing them home for me." He grinned, "C'mon upstairs." Danny led Linda down the hall to their bedroom. When Danny had Sean and Jack placing flowers in the living room and dining room Danny had been upstairs taking care of the bedroom. 

Linda gasped in awe. There were two smaller rose bouquets that mimicked the one downstairs on each nightstand, a smaller one in the bathroom and atop the dresser a corsage for her to wear with her dress, "Danny Reagan." She blushed, "I don't think I've ever seen you do anything as romantic as this." 

"I thought you deserved it. After twenty years of marriage, five kids, and all the ups and downs we've had. You deserved at least one day where I pull out all the stops." He grinned. Danny was elated that Linda seemed so happy, "Your dress is on the bed." He steered her towards the dress which was covered by the zippered bag.

Linda opened it carefully, "Danny." She breathed. The long formal chiffon gown was blush pink, with an empire waist and sweetheart neckline. The ruching on the front of the dress made if form a tight knot on the chest but still kept it modest looking. The cap sleeves were encrusted with sparkling crystals, "It's beautiful." Linda felt tears in her eyes. She always thought it was funny how Danny could pick out a dress for her that would look perfect on her but had no sense of style for himself, "There's shoes too?!" She noticed the box on the bed beside the gown bag.

"Erin had to do the shoes. I just found the dress. Although she did approve of it when I asked her opinion." Danny smiled.

Linda opened the shoe box to find a pair of gold tones peep toe heels, "Oh I  _like_ these!" She said excitedly, "I don't remember the last time I got new heels." She said thinking out loud.

Danny laughed, "Because you have two shoe racks of shoes. But today is special and required special shoes." Danny kissed her cheek, "Do you like it?" He asked.

"I love it. You're such an amazing husband." Linda kissed him with a smile on her face, "I'm the happiest I've been in the longest time." Linda said honestly, "Thank you for this. It's amazing." She grinned.

Danny held his wife close, "You deserve all this and more."

* * *

Once the two were dressed Danny drove them to the Palm where the Reagan family was already waiting for them. Danny had invited some of their friends to celebrate with them as well.

"They look so cute!" Linda picked up Grace who was in a white and light pink dress. The bottom half was baby pink with tulle over it, while the top was white satin with tiny baby pink flowers. A ribbon around her waist was tied in a bow. She wore white tights with the tiniest heel on her white shoes. Erin had put small pink flowers in her hair to keep if out of her face, "You look so pretty."

"Baby!" Grace pointed to Sam and Faith. Faith was in a light pink dress. The top had small satin pink rosettes while the bottom was simple with a little tulle flowing. She also wore simple white tights with tiny white Mary Janes. Sam had been dressed in navy blue suit pants with a light baby blue button up shirt, and the smallest blush pink bow tie Linda had ever seen before. Jack and Sean were both in navy blue suits, baby blue shirts and blush pink ties to match their brother. While all the adult Reagan men wore their Dress Blues. Nicky had chosen a tea length soft purple dress while Erin had picked a longer emerald green gown.

"Every one looks so good." Linda made her rounds kissing and hugging each kid, "You boys look so handsome." She said to Jack and Sean.

"You look pretty Aunt Linda!" Nicky smiled.

"Yeah mom you look great!" Jack pipped up.

The Reagan's settled down at their table while waiting for guests to arrive. 

Soon it was time for the ceremony. Danny and Linda stood up in front of everyone to say the same vows they'd said on their wedding day. Only this time Jack stood next to Danny with Sam in Jack's arms, Sam behind his mother with Grace holding his hand while Linda held Faith in her other arm. They had tried to have Sean hold Faith but Faith let out a loud wail until she was back in her Mommy's arms again.

Danny was the first to speak when their priest finished and asked them to recite their re-commitment to each other, "Linda Reagan." He smiled, "Twenty years ago, I pledged my love and commitment to you, but it seems like only yesterday. I promised to love you, honor you, comfort and keep you. I promised to be by your side in sickness and in health, in times of want, and times of plenty, for better or worse, for the rest of our lives. We have had all of those things, and you have been by my side as we created a family, a home, and a life together. Today, at the beginning of our twenty-first year as husband and wife, in the presence of God, and our family and friends, I renew my vows to you, pledging my eternal love for you, and eagerly awaiting what life may bring us."

Linda swiped a stray tear, "Dammit you practiced." She said earning a giggle from everyone in the room, "Oh Danny. Twenty years. It seems like so long but not long enough. I love you. You are my best friend. Since the day we met. Today recommit myself to you. I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you and to always hold you in highest regard. You are my soulmate. There is not a second that goes by that I'm not grateful for you in my life."

"I now announce, in front of God, family and friends, Daniel and Linda have once again affirmed their love for one another, on this day." The priest said in closing.

Danny and Linda kissed sweetly until Grace tugged on Sean's hand, "Tiss!" She pointed.

Danny crouched down and opened his arms so Grace could jump in them. He kissed her cheek after standing back up beside his wife. Linda held Faith close who was startled at the sudden applause. Jack passed Sam to his father. The family of seven posed for a few pictures, including one Linda was sure to hang over the mantle to replace the current one. And one Danny would take to put on his desk at work. Linda put her head on Danny's shoulder while standing surrounded by her children. She had never been so happy. Even her wedding day, no matter what special place it held in her heart, wouldn't compare to renewing her vows in front of her children. Showing not only them but everyone near and dear just how strong their love for one another was. How Danny and Linda's love would never stop. How it would never falter or break. How indestructible it was. Linda smiled happily. She didn't think she'd ever get here but with the love and support of her husband, she'd made it through. She knew with his continued love, support and devotion she'd make it through anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will probably be another Danny/Linda up tomorrow plus I still am working on 100 ways but got side tracked with this story. :) I hope you all enjoyed it!!! I love every comment and review! Thank you all so much!!


End file.
